The Walk Beside

need to break

Posted on February 8th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

There will be no posting for a while I feel.  At this time, I am completely and utterly spent emotionally.  In these last 5 days I have hit incredible highs with the birth of a beautiful neice Jemilla Gracie Barr, born to Rach and Michael.  The photos are here at www.barrandgirl.blogspot.com  .  She is beautiful, healthy and so content.

Yesterday I visited a close friend who I met through Chemo Club.  We have been sharing our journey together over the last 18 months or so.  He is a Christian, paediatrition, father, husband, son, brother to list but a few.  We have prayed together and encouraged each other in the journey since the time of meeting.  Yesterday he couldn’t talk to me.  He is in a hospital bed in his living room and on pain medication only.  There is nothing medically they can do for him at this point. 

Same too for my friend Keith in London.  He treated me like his own son while I lived with he and his wife Christine (who treated me equally as amazingly) during my times in London.

There are others who are not in good health around me.  I have decided I can’t put myself in any other situation where trauma exists (yeah, I know, where does one go).

And there are other painful situations that go on at this same time.  Today I got to the point where I realised I have emotionally shut down and can’t cry anymore it seems.  A sympathetic protective response perhaps.  Or just pathetic, perhaps.

So just a note to say things will be quiet for a time.

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Time out

Posted on January 30th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I arrived yesterday to my tropical retreat, at a friend’s place in Darwin.  Farm, comfortable place, and incredible rain and thunderstorms.  The smell, sound and sensation of the tropical rain and lush bush is like the best medicine.  I love it, really love it.  I wish I could carve some up and take it home.

There has been a lot to think about over the last few weeks, but mainly my thinking has been around my responsibility and responses to God’s promises regarding healing.  In the past, I have taken more of a passive response - ‘if it is God’s will I am healed, then it will happen - I believe He can do it, but whether He will or not, I don’t know.”

Now that is changing.  I haven’t been healed yet, and I wonder why.  I feel now I my response should involve an active commitment to God’s Word and promises.  I need to believe in the power of the word to transform and to heal.  I am needing both.  God’s promise to heal us from our diseases is given the same weight as his promise to forgive sin.  This is a pretty heavy relationship.  If I believe in him for the forgiveness side of things, and live in that certainty, I need to live in the certainty that healing is available to us.  I don’t fully understand it, knowing many people who are not healed, but it can’t stop me from acting on what I have seen God do, and what is promised.

At this time, I believe I will get my 70 or so years, or die a hopeful fool.  Better a hopeful fool than to have foolish hope, I suppose.  I know I don’t have the latter, as I would have given up long ago - this journey has not been worth it to this point as is.  I am not ruling out the possibility that I will end up disillusioned, confused or struggling with circumstance in the future, but I believe the option of God’s healing is real, and that hope is worth throwing myself into.  It sure beats watching cricket.

In all honesty though, this is one of the biggest challenge I have faced at this time.  For one to fight for life while they have lots to live for is one thing.  For me, I have been fighting feelings of wanting to leave this earth while medics try their best to keep me here.  My fight here is both to believe things will get better, and that the fight to stay alive will be worth it in the future.   My will to live at this stage is coming more from the promises that God can heal, rather than what I feel I have in my future that is worth continuing the fight for.  There must be a better way of writing that sentence, surely.

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A hope

Posted on January 25th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I feel today, after a significant weekend, that there is a greater hope than what I have been anticipating.  If my hope is worth anything at all after this time, it is worth everything.

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I have to believe…

Posted on January 21st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I had some good highlights today.  A random, incidental, encouraging chat with a like-minded soul at a cafe, taking some motorbikes for test-rides, having dinner with family I love, going to hear wonderful musicians play music wonderfully, catching up with dear friends.

By all accounts, I should be loving everything, enjoying everything.  But I still walked home stating to God “Father, I have to believe it will get better than this”.  I don’t know what I am expecting anymore.  My expectations of myself, others and life have not been realistic or helpful, so I don’t know where to place my expectations now.  This is a pressure in itself.

Anyway,  I am too tired for this tonight, and the meds have kicked in right on time.  Best not write.

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A place to lay my head

Posted on January 19th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

For the last month or so, I have been looking for a place to live over this year.  It has caused quite a lot of torment actually, and I have spent a heck of a lot of time trying to sort it out.

A simple decision for some, it has been a very difficult decision for me as I have considered so many factors.  I have been looking for a place that I can set up a bit of a studio and writing room, as well as having the option of sharing the place with someone to help out with repayments or rent.

The was a place I have had my eyes on for quite some time, an apartment in between two places I tend to hang out in, Leederville and the William St precinct.  To buy it would have taken any hint of spare cash in case I needed it, but given me a nice place to live.  Today I went into the agent’s office and said, “Alright, let’s do it, let’s write it up.”

“Are you sure?” said he.

“Nope!” sayeth I.

He then proceeded to talk me out of it, and I am most glad he did.  I decided instead to rent my sister and brother-in-law’s place in the area that I love, smack in between Hyde Park, all the cafe’s and music venues I love, close to restaurants and my favourite chemist.  All walking distance. Nice.  So I am completely relieved, it is amazing how much a decision made can bring peace.  I will sleep well tonight.

When one has been given a medical prognosis of 12 months (I ain’t subscribing to this, mind), getting into a mortgage seems a bit of a waste, although at the time it was a decision that promoted a thinking that I would be around for a lot longer.  I can do that without a mortgage though.

So I did what any rational, level headed person would do who gained a fresh sense of financial freedom, went to the closest motorcycle shop, followed by the next closest music store.  A few orders made (relax fam, not at the motorcycle shop), and I with the purchase of some music gear recently, I have purchased temporary happiness.  Hey, I will take what I can get.  Delayed gratification is often overrated, especially at this pointy end.

So if anyone is looking for a place to lay their head in the Perth area, feel free to let me know.  I will be ruthless with my filtering process with potential housemates.  If you can clean and cook though, you are encouraged to apply.  Actually, congratulations, you’ve made it through the filter.  You can pick up the keys tomorrow.

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An average day

Posted on January 15th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I spent the last few days up at York at Ma and Pa’s.  They look after me incredibly.

Tried to set up a workshop one of the old sheds with Dad, but my body was just tired.  Tired and sore.  It made me wonder the whole time whether what I was doing was just wishful thinking.  I am still excited by it all, but I have been at this point before, then my body or mind just caves in and that is it for a time.

I ran out of painkillers a day ago.  This makes me frantic as I haven’t been handling things well if I have no painkillers.  The physical pain I can handle, although it is annoying and uncomfortable.  But the Oxycontin and Oxynorm are pre-reqs for a manageable day.  When I ran out the other day, I made a bee-line for the GP who kindly doubled my dose.  It is just that the chemist didn’t have the quantity or strength in the other day, so I chewed through a full packet of the quick release in a day to get me through.  I haven’t talked much about the role that morphine is playing in my life at the moment, but it has been significant since October last year.   Like the feather was to Dumbo, really.  Except if I lose grip of the Oxy, I fall faster than Dumbo and crash at the end.

My body pain and immobility this morning was really discouraging.  I get these days every now and then and wonder how much longer this can go on.  There really is a point where going on is more difficult than going out.  There are many things that I have got that make it worth it, no doubt, but the ongoing effort that it takes to have a difficult day takes its toll.

My happiness today came from being a son to my folks - they are amazing and make me feel like the only thing that matters.  It also came from being around my sisters and my friend Tones tonight for dinner.

When I ran out of painkillers on Tuesday arvo, I did the logical thing and bought a guitar.  It was cheaper than smack (just) and is socially more acceptable (unless one plays Boney M tunes on it).  It is a beautiful thing, a piece of fine art that makes incredible sounds.  I am very happy with it - more than happy with it.  I wish I had of bought it 20 years ago.

I am still getting used to my high-dose painkillers.  They are like my old painkillers, but on steroids.  The space between this paragraph and the last is worth about 15 minutes where I zoned out.  I like them already.

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Another week off

Posted on January 11th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I found out today that the authority for my Velcade was not requested, so I am unable to receive my doses this week, which means another week off.  I am told this is not anything to worry about, but I have been breaking out in sweats tonight which is not usual.

Aside from that, housing options are presenting themselves.  I really love it here in the city, walking distance from most things, yet quiet.  Close to hospitals, Hyde Park, cafes, restaurants, family.

I will be setting up the silver workshop up at York this week, so not sure how wise it will be to do such physical mayhem to a body, but will see.

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Mixed messages

Posted on January 11th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

This week I will be hopefully sorting out a place to live that I picture will be a long-term home.  I am approaching the decision of where to live in faith that I am going to be around for another 40 years.  I picture the possibility of growing old somewhere.  I have to keep reminding myself that this place is where I will be living - it is not where I will be dying (thankfully, for the neighbours’ sake - I hear the smell is unbearable).

Meanwhile, I will also chatting with my palliative care doctor during the week.  It is not a chat about my final days, it is just about getting some more lollies for pain relief, but the mere fact that I am in periodic conversations with a palliative care doctor is a massive mental step.  When I first met him, I felt like I had just stepped over a line and was now in the inner sanctum.

My mind is exhausted by the mixed messages.  Hope relaxes, inspires, gets excited about planning, it gives permission for creative ideas to give a surge of life to a tired body.  On the other hand, I am finding it very difficult to find cheerful tunes to whistle as I go through the double doors signposted “Palliative Care”.

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Settling

Posted on January 7th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

One of my main goals at this time is to get settled.  I think I am getting there.  A big part of this of course is working out where to live.  My sisters Rach and Carms (and fams) have been looking after me since the hospital stints last year, but I feel like I need to get grounded again in a place and a routine.  There are a few prospective housing options, so hopefully something will be locked in over the next couple of weeks.

I started one of my jobs yesterday.  It is one day a week overseeing some doco/tutorials being made about Indigenous Language and Culture.  I think it is going to be a great project for me and quite manageable over this semester.  I will continue the silver business when I am able.  This just means setting up a workshop up at York, but I’m looking forward to getting things fired up again.  The rest of the time I will be doing my own mini projects involving writing, music and some filming every now and then.  It should be a good year.

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The Really Happy New Year

Posted on January 1st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Ok, I have to say that we are off to a good start for the year.  After a rather sombre look at the past and the future last night, I have a spring in my step.  It has been a great day and a great start to the year.

Kicked things off this morning with a visit to the beach.  I feel so fortunate to be able to live in Western Australia.  The beaches are just something else, and only 15 mins away usually.  After a refreshing dip in the clear blue waters, I went for a 1km run along the beach.  This is the first real run since the hip replacement in October.  It felt great to have the wind run through my monastic hair.

Rach then organised an afternoon of kite flying for the family.  It was just brilliant.  Seeing the new generation of kids come through nothing short of a privilege to watch.  I would love to be a Dad one day, but for now, being an Uncle is truly amazing.

So it is time to have a good year.  On the agenda is finding a roof over my head for now.  I am reluctant to detail my resolutions, but they include a couple of writing projects, music, documentaries, education, etc and on a personal front they include spending time with family and friends while recovering from last year.

I am reminded today how amazing I do have it.  There are things happening all around me where people are not so fortunate with their outcomes.  So I have it good, really I do.

The good year continues tonight with a glass of white wine, Bruce Springsteen, babysitting (Angus, not Bruce) and wearing tight black jeans and my favourite Phoenix t-shirt.  The guitar will come out in a minute or two.

Happy New Year, really.

You can check out photos from the kite flying afternoon at Rachel’s blog www.barrandgirl.blogspot.com

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