You are looking at posts that were written in the month of July in the year 2007.
Posted on July 31st, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
Just a quick classic. Just got back from breakfast with Guennadi and I was telling him how Elizabeth researched sternum replacements yesterday. She said there is a process where they are using mesh and biological putty to restructure bones such as sternums. Always thinking outside the square, Guennadi suggested they should incorporate a USB connection. After I regained composure, my mind started to tick over what else could be incorporated into my upgrade. Your suggestions are appreciated and will be considered during reconstruction. The winning entries will receive limited edition snow-domes filled with urine samples taken during my treatment. Each will be numbered, signed by Franklin Mint and you will receive a Certificate of Authenticity. Make a great Mothers’ Day gift.
Posted on July 31st, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
Here’s a few familiar cliches for you: ‘What goes around, comes around’; ‘You get what you deserve’; ‘You made your own bed, now you’ve got to lie in it’; ‘That’s good/bad Karma man’. You can probably think of a few others that fit the theme of ‘fairness’, or things being ‘fair’.
The word ‘unfair’ has come up a lot recently. Years ago I use to repeat the quote ‘The only fair thing in life is that life is unfair to everyone’. I would sometimes say this while I gave a lunchtime detention at school or made a student redo their messy work (I know, I know, Mr Compassion). I don’t quote this anymore because I don’t believe life is unfair to everyone. But it has been really unfair to me.
I have a wonderful wife, and there is no amount of space in webpage history where I could write enough to do her justice. Likewise, my family is incredible. I have been given a family that has stopped to surround me and support me with no boundaries. My Dad is helping me with my work, Mum is prepared to do her usual everything to make my life as rich as possible, and my sisters continue to show me love through all circumstances.
I have friends that have sacrificed a lot to look after me, prepared meals for me, looked after Elizabeth and supported her, helped us move house, offered to be by my side in minutes if I need them, and comforted me when things have got tough. People have poured out their generosity on me over and over again.
I have a warm and comfortable home, a comfortable bed, a fridge bursting with food, a warm jacket for the winter and air-conditioning for the summer. I eat more than my three meals a day and go out way more than I should.
I can honestly say that I am in the happiest time of my life, I have everything I need, I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends.
This is so unfair.
It is unfair because I have received all these things without justification. To get through some aspects of my life, I have been a real dickhead. I have lied, cheated, stolen, been dishonest and cruel. I have treated people badly in relationships, rudely dismissed people’s care for me, spoken badly about people, made fun of others’ misfortune and been disloyal. I have broken promises, thrown generosity back in people’s faces and avoided helping others in need.
I look back on all these things that I have done and I don’t present them to talk trash about myself to get a reaction. You may even go through this list and tick off the similarities in your own life or be able to say “I haven’t done that one”. Whatever the case, it is so unfair that I should be enjoying such a rich life when I have done stupid things in the past, and may do them in the future too. It is unfair that many of the people that I have treated poorly in the past are the ones that demonstrate their care for me now.
I am enjoying the richest and most rewarding time of my life now. My sense of things being unfair has nothing to do with whatever I may be up for while I am sick. It is to do with why I should be experiencing such a full life while others are not, yet they may have more integrity, honesty, compassion, humility and generosity than I ever had.
A warning for those that want to steer clear of the God stuff: There is God stuff coming up.
I have used these safe examples of friends and family to convey what I have experienced in my life. But the God thing has been been the clearest example for me regarding being unfair. In the last few years I have given God very little time. I haven’t prayed much, haven’t read much of the bible, I don’t like singing churchy songs, I feel nauseous in churchy bookstores, I haven’t gone out of my way to participate in anything that would convince the world that there is a God. It has been quite liberating.
The thing is, that I can’t help but feel that I have been completely bombarded with everything that is good. Go back up to the top of this entry and see how well I have been looked after. Things that were out of our control have been tended to in ways I can’t explain logically. The bottom line is, I feel so well looked after. Not the kind of ‘looked after’ by someone who generally cares about things, but the kind of ‘looked after’ where every detail has been taken care of. I am remembering things that happened a year ago that I thought were just freaky or confusing- inexplicable. Now, they are so significant to me in the light of me being in this situation.
I had a good chat with my cousin-in-law the other night about it, and as he was talking about it, the concept of ‘The God of Fine Motor Skills’ came into my head (’fine-motor skills’ often referring to the precise and stable use of fingers and hands). It seems that while I have been questioning the God I knew, thinking that I may be losing His favour, I have been more aware of being profoundly looked after. Not just ‘generally’ looked after, but every detail around every corner of every day that I have experienced in the last month has been accounted for and sorted. No bolts of lightning, no dissapointed deity, no liquid paper drawing closer to the Book of Life, no plagues of grasshoppers (although there is a cricket on crack somewhere in our house that doesn’t realise it is winter). In the middle of my indifference and scepticism, irreverence and attitude, I completely and profoundly feel treasured.
Now that’s unfair.
Posted on July 27th, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
I have uploaded and backdated some videos that I hadn’t previously posted. Titles to watch out for include ‘Happy News’, ‘When Bra Stunts Go Wrong’, ‘Damo’s Body Shop’ and ‘No Wine Was Harmed In The Making Of This Video’.
I have put some quick links into the Category section under ‘All The Videos‘ and ‘Video Bloopers‘. The bloopers section also contains outtakes or behind the scenes.
Posted on July 26th, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
The highlight of this story that we are in, regardless of the outcome, is that I have you. In the scheme of things, getting better is trivial. I plan to live a fulfilling life for a long time to come yet, but I want you to know that I experience total fulfilment each day that you walk beside me, run beside me and crawl beside me. Just when we thought we were going to settle down a bit and become a little more structured. Sigh!
Let’s grow old together.
Happy Birthday. I love you.
Cam
My favourite place is wherever we meet.
Posted on July 26th, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
Reality is setting in at the moment. I think because I am sore and tired and miss being able to move without pain, drive a car, ride a bike, play twister. We spent a good amount of time chatting with Rach&Micheal (sister&brother-in-law) last night. This is the crap part. Having to see people you love process different aspects of grief is difficult. Some people try and make sense of what is going on, some respond with confusion or anger at why this happens, a lot are left speechless not knowing what to say, and others just hurt and grieve without words.
My priorities at the moment are to make the most of each day with people and process what is going on in the healthiest way possible. I want to balance the reality of the situation with the hope there will be a happy outcome. Denying the realities never did anyone any favors and resigning to a fatalistic attitude is not an option for me at the moment. I am not angry, not confused, not distraught, not certain. I have hope though, and I am loving being surrounded by friends and fam.
You may be noticing that I am not writing every day. Somedays it will be therapy for me, otherdays I don’t want to face the reflection. If you are wanting good food for thought though, check out www.guiltybystander.org . Every word that I have heard the writer say or I have read has been full of thought, or insight, or humour, or all three.
Go and have yourself a great day.
Song of the day:
Grief Lignting
Posted on July 23rd, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
My sternum is disappearing, which is an inconvenience, but what really ticks me off is the dining table we picked up today from a certain store (that shall remain nameless, that sells flat-pack furniture quite cheaply as well as Sweedish Meatballs and dollar hot-dogs, not to mention a whole lot of IKEA furniture) had a leg that doesn’t fit at all. Life is cruel.
Had a great day otherwise. Went into the workshop to continue the final stages of set-up. The workshop is a silversmithing studio and showroom as well as my office for education projects that I am working on, so there is a bit of a mixture of stuff to set up. Absolutely loving it though. It is giving me something to work toward each day at a steady pace. Had lunch with my legendary cousin Clayt, then Guennadi picked me up in a hired van to cart some office furniture into the offices. Just good times. I am really excited about this whole stage of life. A heap of projects to work on and a whole lot of good people to hang out with. I am feeling very alive.
Rach & Michael (sistra & brat-in-law) arrive tomorrow morning so I am most excited. They are here for a week so really looking forward to everything that is going on. As I write there is a fantastic storm happening. Love it!
Two thoughts that I have been thinking about. Firstly, people often ask me how did I get this cancer. It is actually very comforting to be able to reply that it is largely unknown. There is no family history that I am aware of, no behavioural/lifestyle/environmental factors that we can identify and no incident that we can put this down to. I find that this is a huge factor in that there is no one that can feel regret about where I have ended up. No family line is responsible, no pack-a-day habits are responsible, no behavioural factors have contributed that we know about. This is, as far as we know, is quite out of the blue. Liberating, really.
Secondly, I am getting more fired up about the projects that I have been working on and the people I have the privilege of sharing life with. The community development, the urban infrastructure forums, the education projects, the social comment documentaries, my music, the family trade, the time spent with family and friends. Just so much to do. These are the things that continually remind me that there is so much to get on with. This time may be likened to guys going to the beach and wading out into the cold water. Things may get tight for a while and the factors in life that were once a big deal may seem shrink into insignificance. Meanwhile, you know there is a big wave coming that is going to be uncomfortable for a bit, but once you get through it, you hope for the perfect wave to deliver you back to the shore to enjoy fish and chips when it is all over. I love a good analogy, but as I couldn’t find one tonight, this one will have to do.
Congrats to gorgeous Aunty Al on celebrating your birthday yesterday, and congrats to our gorgeous cousin Conor and equally georgeous (in a masculine way) DJ on the arrival of Matthew Keith, born today.
Prayer for the day:
Please God make the right table leg miraculously appear in the morning. Failing this, please protect customer service personel at all Sweedish flat-pack furniture stores with dollar hot-dogs tomorrow (you know the one God).
Song of the day:
Three Out of Four Ain’t Bad
Posted on July 22nd, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
I have been really tired. I am trying to stay as active as I can at the moment by walking to the shops or heading into the workshop to do a little bit more each day. Taps and I went into the workshop on Friday, shuffled things around for a couple of hours, then went home. I crashed the rest of the afternoon and slept. I am supposed to expect this lethargy due to high calcium levels apparently. Doing something each day has been good, but a couple of hours is my limit I think. With this lethargy comes a bit of confusion and light-headedness when I am up and about. Maybe this happens to everyone when they walk through Ikea though.
Elizabeth is struggling. The mix of being back at work plus dealing with what is going on with me has been tough already, and we haven’t really started the treatment. We will work out the best plan over the next few weeks when the testing has been completed. She is the best gift I have been given.
So we are just waiting on the next step. That is the tiring part.
Posted on July 19th, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
I can think of nicer ways to spend a Wednesday morning than having a sternum biopsy. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against rather large needles puncturing the remaining wall of a chest bone in order to extract a few vials of fluid. It’s just that I would have preferred an alternative.
I have issues with sedatives. I think my body loves a good sedative, and laughs in the face of mild anaesthetics. During the hip biopsy last week, I think they were supposed to sedate me so that I would not remember the procedure. They loaded up one dose of medaz and then that didn’t work, so they ended up doubling it and I still talked all the way through the procedure and remember everything we talked about. I was conscious right up until they showed me the sample they had taken out. I think that is where I passed out. I can’t really remember the footage that was taken straight after.
Today, I only had a sleeping tablet and a few painkillers to settle me down. Then it was just local anaesthetic so I had to talk my way through it all to keep my mind off what was going on. I think I need a Medic Alert tag that says “Just double the dose”.
Generally, I am finding that my memory is shot at the moment and thinking is unclear. I am not suspecting anything medical that would explain it, just that I think emotionally I am recovering from the last two weeks. Libs is heading back to work tomorrow to work out possible strategies to prepare for the weeks and months to come. It will be good for us both to get back into things to rest our frontal lobes. I am going to head into the workshop with Damian tomorrow to finish setting things up, and going shopping with Guennadi to do a fit out of our offices/workshops. I am going to set about keeping as active as I can before and during the radiation which will be starting in about 3 weeks. We won’t get the results back from the biopsy for two weeks. That will tell us if it is the nasty cytoma or the not-so nasty cytoma.
Anyway, emotionally and physically spent at the moment, so I will concentrate on getting some sleep.
Prayer for the day:
Thanks God for Codeine, and please make Pethadeine available at all leading chemists.
Song for the day:
I Can’t Get No Sedatefaction
Posted on July 17th, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: All The Videos, Let's talk.
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