The Walk Beside

In Limbo

Posted on July 14th, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Quite a relaxing day really. My biopsy that was scheduled for Monday was cancelled today. The specialist wanted to do a specific procedure for the biopsy but he is no longer able to do it Monday and they cant find a doctor to take it on. They need to find out what specific plasmacytoma it is, so we are expecting a call on Monday to lock in a time.

Since I wrote the paragraph above, it has been over an hour. Elizabeth (Libs) started to describe her current thoughts and conversations of the day where she has expressed her fears. Libs, Damian (Damo, Taps, Tapley) and I have been talking about it for a while now. Even though we have had such good news recently, the reality is that we are having a really hard time. When I am talking with friends I am upbeat, saying that we are positive, and that I am feeling fine. I am not sure if I am doing this to tell people what is easiest to digest, or whether it is easier to not go down the line of talking about the other side of things. The positivity and feeling fine is true, but there is another side also. I don’t think I have the energy to explain the downside of the situation because it is just emotionally draining. I am not being dishonest on the phone, it is just that if we want to get through the day with energy to relate to eachother, this is the way to do it.

If I lie down on my back, I cant lift the weight of my own head off a pillow. Elizabeth often has to help me get out of a couch if I have slumped down too far. I don’t drive anymore if I can help it as reversing is too dangerous without being able to look behind properly. Breathing is painful at times, and if I am lifting a glass of water while I am at the table I usually use my other hand to lift my elbow to ease pain. I have good days and bad days. There are usually patches in the day where we talk about the possibilities while in tears. When you have gone throught the last week thinking this anniversary may be our last, and calling up life insurance companies, it is hard to come to terms with what is realistic in this situation and what we hope will be the outcome.

I am struggling with how the whole faith thing plays out in this, how it REALLY plays out. I am so familiar with the Christian teaching that having faith will heal. Bottom line is that I believe that God can heal me, no doubt. But there are people that were the most faithful people that I have known and they died, so I don’t equate dying with a sign that there is lack of faith. Would God measure our faith this way before healing or allowing people to die. I doubt it. Do I feel closer to God at this stage?- No. Has it made me flop down before God and beg for healing?- Nup. Do I know for sure that I will be completely healed and live to a ripe old age? – No-siree. Do I feel well looked after and humbled by people’s generosity? -Definately. Am I dead certain that God is able to sort things out? Definately.

Both Elizabeth and I sense that there is still a road in front of us that is going to be rough with a few unexpected turns. At this stage, we have no definate treatment plan or what to expect in the near future.

Songs of the day:
A-Limbo-Weh, A-Limbo-Weh.
Everybody Hurts

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