In Limbo

Posted on July 14th, 2007 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Quite a relaxing day really. My biopsy that was scheduled for Monday was cancelled today. The specialist wanted to do a specific procedure for the biopsy but he is no longer able to do it Monday and they cant find a doctor to take it on. They need to find out what specific plasmacytoma it is, so we are expecting a call on Monday to lock in a time.

Since I wrote the paragraph above, it has been over an hour. Elizabeth (Libs) started to describe her current thoughts and conversations of the day where she has expressed her fears. Libs, Damian (Damo, Taps, Tapley) and I have been talking about it for a while now. Even though we have had such good news recently, the reality is that we are having a really hard time. When I am talking with friends I am upbeat, saying that we are positive, and that I am feeling fine. I am not sure if I am doing this to tell people what is easiest to digest, or whether it is easier to not go down the line of talking about the other side of things. The positivity and feeling fine is true, but there is another side also. I don’t think I have the energy to explain the downside of the situation because it is just emotionally draining. I am not being dishonest on the phone, it is just that if we want to get through the day with energy to relate to eachother, this is the way to do it.

If I lie down on my back, I cant lift the weight of my own head off a pillow. Elizabeth often has to help me get out of a couch if I have slumped down too far. I don’t drive anymore if I can help it as reversing is too dangerous without being able to look behind properly. Breathing is painful at times, and if I am lifting a glass of water while I am at the table I usually use my other hand to lift my elbow to ease pain. I have good days and bad days. There are usually patches in the day where we talk about the possibilities while in tears. When you have gone throught the last week thinking this anniversary may be our last, and calling up life insurance companies, it is hard to come to terms with what is realistic in this situation and what we hope will be the outcome.

I am struggling with how the whole faith thing plays out in this, how it REALLY plays out. I am so familiar with the Christian teaching that having faith will heal. Bottom line is that I believe that God can heal me, no doubt. But there are people that were the most faithful people that I have known and they died, so I don’t equate dying with a sign that there is lack of faith. Would God measure our faith this way before healing or allowing people to die. I doubt it. Do I feel closer to God at this stage?- No. Has it made me flop down before God and beg for healing?- Nup. Do I know for sure that I will be completely healed and live to a ripe old age? – No-siree. Do I feel well looked after and humbled by people’s generosity? -Definately. Am I dead certain that God is able to sort things out? Definately.

Both Elizabeth and I sense that there is still a road in front of us that is going to be rough with a few unexpected turns. At this stage, we have no definate treatment plan or what to expect in the near future.

Songs of the day:
A-Limbo-Weh, A-Limbo-Weh.
Everybody Hurts

11 comments.

Karen Shapter

Comment on July 14th, 2007.

Thanks for sharing this with us Cam. What can I say- half way through Job. Its good to share His beautiful Spirit – with you both there. Enjoy this glorious day. Thoughts and prayers, Karen

gm22

Comment on July 14th, 2007.

Hey -
That’s about time you learn how to use rear view mirrors!

I just read this post, it whacked me really hard. I also felt a sense of releive that you guys started talking about that it’s really like for you and the effect it has on Elizabeth.

I have already lost a few very close friends, my age or younger. Andrei, my closest friend through childhood and school, was shot and killed in Chechnya, after the war was over. Marina died after being given a wrong needle in a Russian hospital. The other Andrei died in diabetic coma, because the ambulance was 2hrs late.

When you first told me about being tested for cancer, the first thought that came to my mind was that God will not let me loose another friend. It was a conviction from above – it felt that way. The last two weeks felt like I was paddling exhausted in the middle of the river, not knowing how to swim, desperately trying to reach the river bank for safety, some certainty. There is still strength left and there is the will. So, I’ll keep on paddling.

Am I feeling positive? Yes. You have to, it keeps you going. Do I avoid thinking about the possible danger and possibility to drown? No. You need to be aware of the danger, it makes you paddle! Did I start thinking whether to actually post this message as a comment on your blog? Yes I did, but I’ll still do it, as it is time to honest to yourself and your feelings.

God may not heal your sore neck or replace your missing bones. He may not even be able to teach you how to use rear view mirrors when reversing. But he is able to give you life and turn things around. And that’s what we’re praying for, as you’re such a dear friend to so many of us. One day at a time, brother, one day at a time.

Manda & Iain

Comment on July 14th, 2007.

so honest… thankyou for sharing your heart. i can’t begin to imagine how it feels to be you and E at the moment. I struggle that nothing I say or could offer to do would change the situation. I hate not been able to fix stuff esp for dear friends and family. mmmm dear C & E the chats with the Father continue. Love Mand a & Iain

Toddy

Comment on July 14th, 2007.

I’ve just caught up with the news and might I say with great respect, that it sucks!
You are meant to write blogs about other things which don’t involve you being unwell and wondering about different stages of life. Sorry Cam, you’ve done it all wrong…

Now – I’m sure a Bex and a lie-down will help…

No?

Oh…

we’ve just ridden the cancer-wave with one of my son’s mates (8yo) over the past 10months. Lots of questions, not usually a lot of acceptable answers at the time, and just plugging on, learning to appreciate each day as never before.
He seems to be good now, but we still appreciate each day better as a result. That’s our blessing. It didn’t have to be (which is why it’s a blessing, I guess…)

I’m O+ – if you ever need a pint or 2, or you think my marrow might help, I’m big enough to spare some.

Oh – I’ve got some spare prayer time as well that I’ll give you…
Todd & Suz Ellery
Busselton

Allison

Comment on July 14th, 2007.

Hi Cam, just logged on tonight to your blog. its beautiful. its got everything, the laughs, the tears – all at the same time. you know how i like to talk, the same could happen when i write…we’ll see. i’ve been watching some films lately by a (i think) sweedish director called Lasse Hallstrom, (two of his films-what’s eating gilbert grape, my life as a dog) and your blog reminded me of them. that mix of the beauty and heartache of life existing simultaneously. watching your videos and reading your thoughts-i’m laughing (coz you’re funny) and then crying-hmmm….have you thought about going into directing? excuse my jumping thoughts, but it’s bastille day today so i thought an appropriate song could be ‘talk about a revolution’. i appreciate your honest thoughts about God and faith. it’s a tricky one. so much of life seems unanswered to me. if it was as simple as ‘having faith healed’, then no-one would ever have to die- assuming you had ‘enough’ faith. i wish i could actually tell you a comforting God-inspired answer, but that’s never been a strong point for me. the furtherest i can go is understanding, or perhaps experiencing the presense of a God that i don’t understand, in some of the tough moments, and just that itself is a comfort. words seem inadequate. so i will be in perth on the 16th of july for a couple of days and then around the 25th and 26th. would love to catch up for a hello of some sort if you have time or are feeling up to it. but if not, there is sure to be another time. one hates to say good-bye…so, til next time…i’ll get you next time gadget…love Allison.xxx

the Hoppies

Comment on July 15th, 2007.

Dear Cam and Libs,
Sitting here @ 3:40am, crying out my eyes…. about you and crying out to God… “Have Mercy, Lord”. That helplessness is frustrating, yet, we know prayer works… but we want to see positive results… Psalm 69… beautiful, esp. verses 16-18….
I’m arguing with God that He would allow verse 30 to become a reality and give you a new song of Thanksgiving and we would all witness your healing…..
May you daily receive strength to hang in there.
Much love and big hugs.
Crying out with you, wonderful people,
Susanna :o )

Chris Shaw

Comment on July 15th, 2007.

Hi Cam and Liz,
Some beautiful thoughts and writings from beautiful friends no doubt around the globe. Thank you for trusting us with these days. Your courage and love is holding us all together. Wish so much l could make all this go away,. dear friends. But will walk beside with honour. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Stace

Comment on July 15th, 2007.

Hi Cam
Its Stace Warrington:) I guess i could leave a post saying i’m sorry and i wish there was something i could do… but you will know that we’re all thinking it. This is the type of thing, that will happen to everyone else but the ones we love… or so we thought. You’re in the thoughts and prayers of us all. we’ve got over half our year 7 class prayin for you!! :) you were there for us and now its our turn to return the support you gave us through times we didn’t understand( of which we thought were HUGE…haha) and know that we’ll walk beside every step of the way… Just as Jesus is…everyday.
“FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND”
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was
walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the
sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he
noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one
belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When
the last scene of his life flashed before him, he
looked back at the footprints in the sand. He
noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed
that it happened at the very lowest and saddest
times in his life. This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it. “Lord, You said that
once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all
the way. But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life, there is only one set
of footprints. I don’t understand why when I needed
you most you would leave me.” The Lord replied,
“My son, My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it
was then that I Carried You.” The Poem Footprints in the Sand by Mary Stevenson Learn about the new song and CD,
“Footprints in the Sand”
by Mark Hargrave. http://www.markhargrave.com/index_011.htm

Hebrews 11.1 All the best !!
Stace xoxoxo

hayden&andrea

Comment on July 16th, 2007.

Hi Cam,
We just heard about this blog thing from Chris, thankyou for sharing your heartfelt emotions with us. Our thoughts and best wishes are with you and Elizabeth throughout this journey and we certainly feel privileged to be able to be part of the walk beside. We are here as your resource, ears, shoulders and companion travellers. Luv H&A.

Julie & Shaun Champ

Comment on July 16th, 2007.

Hi Cam,
Just finished ready your blog, couldn’t believe it really. We in Mundaring will be sincerely thinking of you. Keep your strength up and keep thinking happy thoughts!!

Euan Macfarlane

Comment on July 17th, 2007.

Just to let you know I’m praying for you.

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