I get so emotional baby

Posted on February 10th, 2008 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I remember talking with my music shop man, the guy whose wife is battling cancer (referred to him in the post ‘The space between’). He has also had his fair share of health problems and through the midst of it all he explained that what he experiences emotionally now compared to his disposition previously. I understand what he is talking about more and more.

Hardly a day is going by when I would not have an emotional response to something I hear or see. It has been difficult to watch programs on real-life medical stories, any movie with a hint of sadness, or hearing about people in any unfavourable situation. It is not just the sad aspects of life that elicit a response. The other night I almost started crying when someone just blew everyone away with their performance audition on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’! I am waiting to see what happens next time I watch ‘Deal Or No Deal’ to see if I need to book a personality assessment.

Could it be the chemical imbalance in my body at the moment? Is it a permanent deepening of emotional understanding that is going to make me cry at the drop of a hat for the rest of my life? The reality is that it is a bit of both. I know my understanding and emotional disposition has changed permanently, and the changing will continue to take place for a while yet. There are still some big steps to get through.

The hardest thing for me to control is the responses that I have to the responses that others have to what I am going through. Having something affect me directly is so much easier to master control over than seeing or hearing others who going through this all with us, processing what we are experiencing. Not that it is meant to be easy, but it works me up when other people are affected by my circumstance.

So now I find myself walking through the hospital looking at people who I know are going through a tougher time at the moment. I just want to talk with them. We walked out of our consultation the other day really happy, but straight past a family who had obviously received some sad news. There are cues all around me that can set me off, not always noticeable to others, but enough to let me know that my heart is wearing a pathway to my throat.

There have been times recently I have gone quiet in conversation and pretended to forget what I was going to say next. The reality is that it is taking all my physical energy to control my eyes watering or to stop a whimper escaping mid-sentence. So you can treat this as a bit of a disclaimer, a warning if you like.

Of course, it could just be the medication messing with me.


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