I can’t believe it

Posted on May 20th, 2008 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

When there is a lull in treatment, when there are no tests or procedures for a time, it is easy to sit in amazement and think, “I can’t believe I have cancer! This cannot be real!” I have, on occasion, made the passing comment to Elizabeth, “I can’t believe this is actually happening”.

I guess it is more of an issue when I am feeling okay and have no physical pains to remind me, but overall, it is still very easy to disbelieve the reality of what is going on.

Maybe it would be easier if there were a direct connection with a cause, like smoking and lung cancer, where I could rationalise using cause and effect reasoning – then it maybe easier to accept the reality of the situation. But with no known reason for all this going on, it does make it hard. I suppose it is similar to some tragic accidents where a bad set of circumstances results in great loss. It may be able to be explained technically, but rationally it still is hard to accept.

So the question of “Why me?” goes hand in hand with the question “Why not me?” as there seems no way to justify either of them. I know that I don’t want it to be me, and I don’t want it to be anyone. I have had enough for a time. It is just as well because I have only maintenance therapy scheduled for the next 12 months in the form of a tablet. I think I can handle that.

I am going to try and not think about the future treatments. They are more difficult than the one I have just been through, carry more risk, and are less successful. It is one of those situations that I guess we have all been through where you have to get through something that you just hate. You would do anything to get out of it, but you know you have to do it. It is just soul destroying at that time.

I know that when they tell me it is time for the next batch of treatment it will be an appropriate time for my weeping. Not just for the discomfort and the risks, but also for the toll it takes on those around me who get me through. I dislike watching this as much as they dislike watching me go through what I go through. I hope it never comes to this. I really do.

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