Another snippet of life

Posted on June 10th, 2008 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Allow me to expand on the previous post.

Most of the people I know who have experienced a terminal illness seem to change, change for the better. Not everyone does I am sure, but most of the people I know have, or they at least come across that way. They seem to ‘tenderize’. They become more observably loving, caring, gracious and focused on important things. Worldviews, beliefs, faiths seem to become more defined and many seem to rest in the certainty of what they have chosen to cling to at the business end of an earthly existence. For those who fear judgement by a clichéd white-bearded god sporting an eternal frown, they may spend a great deal of time on their knees trying to think of everything they have ever done wrong so appropriate forgiveness may be begged for.

I guess this may just be how I perceived these people in the past. Maybe these people continued to struggle with similar things that I struggle with. Facing the possibility of been taken ‘before my time’, I would have thought that I would have succumbed to making the ‘necessary changes’ one would assume to make in these uncertain times. Things like living a clean-living, thoughtful and considerate life, to finish up well.

The truth is, I still struggle with the same shortcomings and temptations I did a year ago, when I felt immortal. I still struggle with the same apathy and selfishness I did a year ago, when I felt invincible. I still struggle with the insecurities and hurt issues as I did a year ago, when I seemed untouchable.

I am not the character I thought I would be in this situation. I remain me, but with the addition of an incurable disease thrown into the equation. I guess it is the lack of change I have noted that surprises me. In this respect, I am glad that I feel comfortable enough to not have to put on a front, sometimes.

So if you come across me in the street and I have a peaceful, loving, tender and sensitive ambiance about me, you can now nod and wink at me as if to acknowledge the secret – I still get angry at things, I still get tempted to make disastrous decisions, I still question God’s methods, I still watch mind-numbing breakfast television as I am too lazy to turn it off. I feel like I am a completely normal faltering human soul trapped in a completely normal faltering human body.

Still, as with us all, it is a work in progress.

5 comments.

hamo

Comment on June 11th, 2008.

Funny how we expect so much more of ourselves than we are sometimes capable of.

i just wonder how depraved we’d be if we had low expectations! :)

Another great reflection on our humanness Cam

Sharon Murphys

Comment on June 11th, 2008.

This is why i just love reading your blog because you write what i am feeling and thinking except you write it so much better.

Toddy

Comment on June 11th, 2008.

You’ve kind of left this up in the air… where do you want to take it? Are you pushing for further self-change, or is it simply an observation that Cam, like the leopard, finds it hard to change his spots?

I must admit… I kinda figured that people faced with a nasty case of ‘flu’ (like MM) could easily get pretty preoccupied with themselves, because everybody else is preoccupied with them… I mean – look at how few people disagree with you now that you are unwell!?! :)

Oh – another question… are these ‘snippets’ based in the moment (ie, now) or do they reflect 12 months of hindsight?
ie – when did you realise that you are human like us? Well, maybe not like me, but like most of us?

:)

A quote to finish:
“Smile – it makes people wonder if it was you!”

Cam

Comment on June 11th, 2008.

Toddy, I think you may have missed my point.

I was never actually pushing for self-change, or putting any effort into changing my proverbial spots during this last year. The observed difference was between how I have seen other people change in similar situations and how much I have not felt the desire to change in this way over the last 12 months.

Just to balance things up though, I think I must have missed your point with everything else you wrote.

Keep smiling!

serendipity

Comment on June 12th, 2008.

maybe the self-perceived lack of response to the refiner’s fire is because you aren’t yet going to be burned at the stake… (so you have to struggle longer instead of being zapped holy)

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