Graduation

Posted on August 5th, 2008 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Today I graduated from Uni.

It was a fairly low-key event. No need for gowns and tassels, no walk across the stage, dip cap, shake hand, grasp degree or smile for photographer. Just a simple logging in to the enrollment website, click on the option that says ‘Withdraw’ and then confirm the decision. I feel as relieved as I did when I have actually graduated the traditional way, not that I have ever actually turned up for the ceremonies.

Okay, so technically I didn’t graduate. It was more of a case of freaking out. I went to classes yesterday and it became very clear that I was not up to it. The defining factor was looking through the unit outline and reading the word ‘Assessment’. It was like an epiphany where I realized I am so not ready for this. The last thing I want or need right now is an assessment. I started giggling in class because of the anxiety. I thought ‘Why the hell am I here, putting myself through this?’ I was about to walk out mid-session, but thought I would squeeze the class for all it’s worth to get the most out of the free tutorial.

Coping with life’s decisions during this stage is proving extremely difficult. It is a more difficult time than the last year of treatment, to be honest. At least with treatment there is a plan, and to some extent a lack of freedom. You take this drug, you have this therapy, you inject this, spew that. There is no need to analyze the situation at that time. No need to work out the toll it is taking on your mind, your body, your spirit.

I get the feeling that is happening now. With freedom comes a freak out. I don’t know if it is a common thing to experience in this situation.

1 comment.

Jan

Comment on August 6th, 2008.

Hey Cam
I read your entry with some trepidation, as I can relate to what you are saying. I haven’t decided to enroll in school, but instead have decided to start my own business!! Talk about wondering if you are doing the right thing! Here I am 7 weeks post transplant,now knowing if I’ll live or die, and here I am starting a business, working on a business plan and making glass beads, torch and all, and then designing my own jewelry line! That’s not too much, right? It makes me mad that I have cancer, because what if I can’t finish what I am starting? For the first time in a long time I have the freedom to do what I want when I want. Damn. Hang in there my friend, we can only do what we can do.

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