New Shoes

Posted on November 30th, 2009 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

The writings at this website will most likely start back up this week.  I am not going to write anything tonight, as I ‘accidently’ took double my pain medication.  One for the pain, and one for kicks.  Not really.  I figure I could do with a good night sleep.  In the meantime,  I have been keeping a silent blog, not everyday, but there are a few gap fillers at http://thewalkbeside.wordpress.com (Just click on the link).  Beware of the dates though.  You probably still need to start at the bottom and work your way up.

This last year has been the darkest of my life, and most likely the most difficult for my family.  It would take quite some time to describe the despair, the yearning for God to remove me from this earth, the regret of all the stupid things I have done in my life, the intensity of the physical and mental pain, and above all, the depth of wretchedness.  And that was just a normal day – I had some bad days too.

Today is different.  I can say God is good in spite of devastating things happening – and not say it with a grimace.  I have learned a lot about myself, and faced the reality of what has been my life so far, and I feel like God is keeping me around – despite my indifference to life at times, despite my desire on numerous occasions to be terrestrially removed (not to be confused with testically removed, mind).

I did keep a hand-written journal during the majority of this year.  It contains the details of darkness and confusion, sadness and complete despair.  My own reading it back to myself scares me, but it also seems like I am reading about someone else.  That whole chapter of life is one that seems unreal, and I wish with all my heart it was.  There are some walks though that are too painful to endure publicly so close to the time it happens.  I am thankful to Elizabeth, my family and friends who have given me reason enough to keep going, when everything contained in me alone gave every reason otherwise.

I am glad to be typing again, my handwriting often sucks.  Thank you Mrs Passmore for teaching me Typewriting in Year 8.  Sorry for cheating on my final test, but Honky did too.  I think I can track down his address if you think a detention would be appropriate.

The comments section I am keeping disabled at this point to keep spam under control, but there is a contact address in the sidebar.

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