Ups and Downs

Posted on December 20th, 2009 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

The movement between the ups and downs in my mood and ability to handle things at the moment is a torment.

The night before last, Thursday night, I wrote an entry.  I held back pushing the ‘publish’ button as I wasn’t sure if it needed to go public, or whether it remains private.  There are still many things that are too raw at the moment.  This is it though:


This word has come up a lot recently.  This is mainly because it describes in a word what can’t be explained in detail.  Life is just overwhelming at the moment, and has been for quite sometime.

It seems even silly for me to write about the details of why things are so difficult at the moment.  God has definitely copped a verbal barrage lately.  Mostly it has been ultimatums along the lines of ‘heal me or finish me’.  I understand how much death can be the most attractive option.

I know God is good, he has proved this to me time and time again.  But that hasn’t stopped me having good reason to be angry at him, chronically confused, desperately upset and discouraged and feeling the full weight of things being unfair.  I wrote something in the beginning about how things weren’t really fair, but focussing on the positive, gracious aspect of unfairness.  Now, I just feel the crap side of life being unfair, and I hate it.  I don’t know what I haven’t prayed about yet, or begged God to change in me.  But at the moment I feel like I have experienced the polarized God – extreme love and grace, and extreme being left hanging and forgotten.

The long-term grief and pain I know is doing a fine job of killing me, and God hasn’t seemed to do a thing to help in this area.  I am honestly disappointed, to the point where I don’t really care what he does with me anymore.  If he doesn’t heal my head, heart, body – well I don’t care, but I just wish he’d make a decision and do either one or the other.  I know at this point it is harder work staying alive than it would be to leave.  I would not do anything to speed the latter up apart from telling God to get it over and done with.

(17th December)

This morning was no different.  If anything, my feelings were many times more intense, and the reality of devastating loss sinks in deeper and deeper.

This afternoon and tonight has been different.  I have been enjoying the incredible friends and fam that I have been given.  Just to relax in the presence of incredible people brings me life, brings me reminders of hope, and brings about the revelation that life is valuable and worth pursuing in the midst of feeling extremely down.

A few things I have been feeling recently.  I am feeling incredibly dissatisfied and disconnected with this world.  I will probably have to think more about this one as I think there is more in it than just driving around the streets being frustrated at how futile it seems in the context of eternity.

But the other thing is how deeply, deeply soothing it is to be in the presence of close friends.  Nothing needs to be said, nothing needs to be explained, nothing needs to be worked through.  The sheer fact that you have spent close to a lifetime sharing experiences with them, seen each other grow and listened to each other over the years pays off with a place where you can just be next to them and feel connected, rested, and rich.