The Walk Beside

The Really Happy New Year

Posted on January 1st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Ok, I have to say that we are off to a good start for the year.  After a rather sombre look at the past and the future last night, I have a spring in my step.  It has been a great day and a great start to the year.

Kicked things off this morning with a visit to the beach.  I feel so fortunate to be able to live in Western Australia.  The beaches are just something else, and only 15 mins away usually.  After a refreshing dip in the clear blue waters, I went for a 1km run along the beach.  This is the first real run since the hip replacement in October.  It felt great to have the wind run through my monastic hair.

Rach then organised an afternoon of kite flying for the family.  It was just brilliant.  Seeing the new generation of kids come through nothing short of a privilege to watch.  I would love to be a Dad one day, but for now, being an Uncle is truly amazing.

So it is time to have a good year.  On the agenda is finding a roof over my head for now.  I am reluctant to detail my resolutions, but they include a couple of writing projects, music, documentaries, education, etc and on a personal front they include spending time with family and friends while recovering from last year.

I am reminded today how amazing I do have it.  There are things happening all around me where people are not so fortunate with their outcomes.  So I have it good, really I do.

The good year continues tonight with a glass of white wine, Bruce Springsteen, babysitting (Angus, not Bruce) and wearing tight black jeans and my favourite Phoenix t-shirt.  The guitar will come out in a minute or two.

Happy New Year, really.

You can check out photos from the kite flying afternoon at Rachel’s blog www.barrandgirl.blogspot.com

0 comments.

Happy New Year

Posted on January 1st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I don’t really know what I can say about the last year, or what I hope the new year holds.  Last year, 2009, defeated me.  I lost.

I remember the footage that was filmed when this blog first started.  I was cocky. I was handling a difficult situation the best way I knew how.  Well, I am no longer cocky.  I feel beaten.  I may not stay in this place, but for now, it is a feeling that is as heavy as wet concrete.

This year has included my spinning out of control, deep depression, careless treatment of those who love me, a  post-traumatic breakdown, the surfacing of all the anger, rejection, esteem crap, false beliefs, destructive self-perceptions and chronic confusion.  It has included the devastating separation from my wife Elizabeth, who has selflessly loved me through years of difficulty.  It has included too many prayers for my breathing to stop and too many verbal sprays to God stating how much he’s let me down.  It has included my body being chipped away at, making it look and feel hideous to me now.  After a lifetime of hating my body,  it seems to be getting back at me now.  I am dependent on drugs for controlling pain and maintaining brain.  This has all happened this year, and so much more.

Tonight, new year’s eve, I just couldn’t talk with anyone.  Part of me craved conversation, as it usually does, but the amount on my mind in reflection is still too much, and maybe it is better to leave the year behind entirely.  It is time to look forward.

I am not good at this looking forward, moving on, so this is my over-arching resolution I think.  I want to be well.  I want to have kids. I want to be in relationship. I want to be restored.  I want 2010 to be the best year yet.  Although I know it is possible, at this point, to be honest, I just can’t see it.

0 comments.