Mixed messages

Posted on January 11th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

This week I will be hopefully sorting out a place to live that I picture will be a long-term home.  I am approaching the decision of where to live in faith that I am going to be around for another 40 years.  I picture the possibility of growing old somewhere.  I have to keep reminding myself that this place is where I will be living – it is not where I will be dying (thankfully, for the neighbours’ sake – I hear the smell is unbearable).

Meanwhile, I will also chatting with my palliative care doctor during the week.  It is not a chat about my final days, it is just about getting some more lollies for pain relief, but the mere fact that I am in periodic conversations with a palliative care doctor is a massive mental step.  When I first met him, I felt like I had just stepped over a line and was now in the inner sanctum.

My mind is exhausted by the mixed messages.  Hope relaxes, inspires, gets excited about planning, it gives permission for creative ideas to give a surge of life to a tired body.  On the other hand, I am finding it very difficult to find cheerful tunes to whistle as I go through the double doors signposted “Palliative Care”.