Tired

Posted on March 21st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

It is hard not to be upset with you sometimes God.  No – a lot of the time.  The good things that happen each day are slammed by the reality of hardship and what feels like hopelessness.  Knowing you can do something to relieve people of their suffering gives hope, but you leave sufferers on stand-by, and they wait to find out if they are picked to be relieved of their suffering.

I writhe in pain daily, if not from my body, from my head.  I started this life pretty well.  Did the right things, behaved, kept promises, stayed good.  The onset of grief, confusion, sickness, and then a crumbling leaves me wondering why the hell did I bother trying so hard to be good – my life turned to rubble anyway.  Could it have been any worse if I had of stuffed up the first half of my life?  I don’t think so, from where I’m standing.

I still have hope, but I don’t know what would be worth hanging on for anymore.  The hope that I live for another six months – but for what?  More of the same? Please!  Just release me!  Do whatever you do to let me be free from this life, this mind, this pain.  What are you keeping me here for?

Yes I do thank you constantly for the good things, yes I praise you when things here are more than horrendous, yes I try to keep a positive outlook and yes I talk with you constantly, asking for healing, asking to be heard, asking for you to help change the direction my body and my mind are going.  What am I missing?  Is there something I have missed?  Have I missed a point somewhere along the line?

All I know is that I haven’t lost hope for healing, I just don’t know if I want it anymore, as death and eternity without all this is a far better option – unless you can show me otherwise.  I am sick of waiting to be healed.  So many people are praying.  What does it take?

You leave me hanging it seems.  You know I am tired of all this.  Really, really tired.

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