Set Free

Posted on April 20th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I can’t believe the freedom that I am experiencing at the moment.  It is quite foreign to me, and frankly I am having difficulty adjusting to it, or believing that it is happening.

It has taken a psychiatrist only a session or two to speak truth into my situation, and I have been released from incredible guilt, oppression and made my future look tangibly hopeful, not just a belief that things can get better, hopefully, maybe, one day.  Possibly.

I feel that they are better now.  I still deal with a deep sadness that my marriage has gone, but there has been resolution in this decision, and it has been turned into a healthy resolution.

It has been a very long time since my mind has felt this freedom, so I hope it will do wonders with my health also.  I am sure that my health has taken a real beating while my heart and head have been struggling to survive.

For me, it is going to be an exciting adventure to see how long I can remain on this earth.  I have found peace in a lot of things recently, and I am happy with my lot.  I don’t feel like life would be unfinished from any point here on.  I haven’t been able to say that or think that for a long time.  I am loving the possibility that my life is about to begin again, with more freedom living to be experienced.

This has been the most significant battle of my life, even over the cancer – I can’t explain it fully, but the resolve in my head has been the miracle that has defined a real turning point in my life I feel.  I just hope the body joins in the party.

4 comments.

You’ve lost that … feeling.

Posted on April 18th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Still getting used to such great results the other day.  It is extremely difficult to live in the now and accept that things could be good, hopefully forever.

My body is still catching up though.  If there is something I would love continued prayer for it would be for my nerves.  One of the side-effects of multiple myeloma is what is called peripheral neuropathy.  This sensation is like a burning pins and needles in the feet and hands usually.  Great during winter when you need warming up.  It is also caused by the medications that I have been on for chemo.  So you are damned either way.

The downside is that peripheral neuropathy results in permanent nerve damage, and that seems to be getting worse.  I am losing feeling in my fingers and toes, making it very difficult to read Braille for a start.

I had a lot of nerve damage after my stem cell transplant, which come to think about it was two years ago a few days ago.  Now, the nerve damage continues.

I have my last chemo shot tomorrow, hopefully forever.  The end of this treatment should make things better, but I want my feeling to be restored.  All things are possible.

I have been advised to stay on my painkillers (yay) which is a big relief in one way as they do get me through the day emotionally.  But once again, the side-effects are hindering to say the least.  But until I have some stability for a while and until my other treatments kick in, I will be relying on them as per usual.

A friend who has had 59 operations to save her leg after a car crash years ago said that coming off these painkillers was the most difficult thing she has done.  I can see why.  When your mind is having to deal with medical and personal traumas, and you have a pill that can give you relief from that 15 minutes after swallowing –  the decision not to take it defies logic and expectation.  Becoming an substance abuser, in my opinion, is a process that follows logical decision making, making the wino in the gutter one a temporary genius.

1 comment.

Chains fell off

Posted on April 13th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

This was the line from a song that I kept singing over and over yesterday afternoon (no, really?!).

The torment in my head has been broken.  It is truth that sets us free.

To go from depths I can not describe to a feeling of freedom almost forgotten is worth celebrating with the rest of my life.

A counselor who I was seeing last year spoke a blessing in my life and declared that all things unsettled would come to pass before I died.  I can say that all things are settled now, but it did not mean then I wouldn’t live for a good 50 years more as my pastor is praying.

Either way, it is well with my soul I feel.  It is time to live now, dying can come later and I feel released from the pressure of time to find peace before that time comes.

There may still be a way to go to clean up the mess of the past, but I do so knowing that the end result is not at all absent of goodness and mercy.  They shall follow me all the days of my life.

Peace be with you, and also with me.

3 comments.

Time to live

Posted on April 11th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Until told otherwise, I am trying to live as much as possible and talk about sickness as little as possible.  The dependency on painkillers is still an issue, but I have my breakthroughs every now and then.  Today I celebrated my dose cut-down by taking a painkillers to lift my spirits.  Depression is lifting at times.  Projects are coming together.  Many things to be thankful for.  Many good things ahead.

2 comments.

Keith Lock

Posted on April 3rd, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Keith passed away in London today.

4 comments.

Sometimes

Posted on April 2nd, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Now I just wonder if the my good results are going to stick, or whether it is just another good set of results.

3 comments.

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