Beyond words

Posted on June 27th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

What I want to say can never be expressed, try as I might. What I am feeling at the moment is the pinnacle of my life experience, and it involves every area of my life.

I have only one prayer at the moment, one focussed, repetitive, honest, intense prayer, and it is simply, “Father you are so good to me, Father you are so good to me, Father you are so good to me…” – It just goes over and over, and you can hear the smile in my voice as I say it. I am just giddy with an overwhelming sense of my Creator’s goodness to me, it is bottomless – it hasn’t stopped. Just when I think it is about to run out, or when I think I have had my share, it just keeps on coming. Then when I feel like I can’t take any more… I get pummelled with more. That is the nature of it.

I am in constant disbelief of how good I have got it. I can’t even go into detail about how good things are at the moment, because it would sound like I have more than my fair share of good things. But I do.

I have the best family in the world, amazing friends, I have had the privilege of sharing a significant part of my life with an incredible wife, phenomenal support from people I have never met, I have shelter, food, jobs I love, health, clothes and ugg boots. I wake up with the least amount of pain I have had for a long time. I have had the privilege of teaching the most amazing group of human beings a teacher, or any person really, could wish for being a part of. I just have it so, so good.

And I know what I am talking about. I have the authority and confidence to say that it is God’s goodness, because I know what He has rescued me from, and I know what He has rescued me to. The darkness that I have experienced is inexplicable. It is not like anything I would want to experience again, nor for it happen to anyone else. I can say that I have been to places that seemed hopeless, yet hope proved itself worthy of clinging to, worthy of retaining its name, worthy of using in sentences where all other sentiments had resigned. Now, my life has had such a complete change, in every way possible, and it is beyond human explanation, beyond what is humanly possible to achieve, beyond what a logical mind could reason.

I have been a part of something so profound, so incredibly real, that it has left me gobsmacked, speechless, lost for words. The upside of this predicament is that I haven’t been able to shut up about it for the last few weeks. The people who I have run into during the day get the 5 or 10 minute version. I give them the rundown of what has gone on for the last 3 years. They have little chance to escape, but usually they are as speechless as much as I am speechfull, if I may use a made up word.

I know whatever happens in my life from this point is a miracle. If I go and buy a litre of milk, it is a miracle. If I ran out of petrol on the freeway yesterday, hypothetically, it was a miracle. If I have to have that same hypothetical vehicle towed because it broke down and I end up telling the truck driver my story, it is a miracle. If I get up in the morning bright and early, it is a miracle – but that one always was really.

If I do end up tripping over my shoelaces and land awkwardly on a forsaken pin cushion, inflicting a wound that gradually became infected by a species of bacterium for which no antibiotic existed, or indeed if cancer returned, and I was fatally affected, I know that already many miracles have taken place in my life, especially in the last 4 months. I would die knowing that my Creator has been so good to me, so very, very good to me. I say this, not because it pleases anyone around me – that accomplishes nothing – but because I can’t stop declaring it, to others, and to myself.

It sure beats the prayer only back in April I think, where my statement to God was, “Father, it must get better than this, it must get better than this…” This is where I forced myself to declare the truth, even when my body ached with pain, and my mind was conducting its own wrestling match between wanting to die and doing the right thing by hanging around. Nobody knows the full story of what has gone on for me. Some people know a lot, but the whole picture is still a mystery to me, although it is slowly unfolding.

The treasure that I feel like I have received – the grace, the second and third and fourth chances, the provision, the support, the opportunities etc., have been given to me despite my failure to do good, despite my failed relationship, despite my shortcomings, despite my selfishness. Such is the nature of God. He longs to be gracious to us, He yearns to lavish goodness on us, He can’t wait to overwhelm us with stuff that is so individually tailored to give us the desires of our hearts. This stuff is stated in scripture, and I could just read it, but I can say it is soooo much better to experience it first-hand.

So I have no agenda in saying any of this. It is just oozing from me at the moment. I do not have a sponsorship deal with Heaven, nor do I care about impressing anyone by saying what I say. It is just naturally spilling out as a minute taste of what is going on in my heart and head.

I am so thankful for each and every one who has been praying, thinking, supporting and loving me and Libs and my fam throughout this time. I am so humbled by such loving people, selfless people, people who have taught me depths of human character whilst seamlessly demonstrating God’s character. It has been one incredible journey, as well as many incredible journeys.

There is going to be more to come. For the first time in a long time, my head, body and spirit want to participate in every part of this gift of life by making every breath, every contact, every event and every connection with another, count.

I want to take whatever opportunities to tell people what has gone on in my life. So if I get the chance to speak in schools, churches, cancer support groups, nudist colonies, youth groups, you name it… I will be there. If you want to come and meet with others who are also keen to understand more about our Creator and us in relationship to Him, I can’t begin to express how much I have been supported and encouraged by friends at The Mission. We meet on a Sunday arvo at 4 in North Perth Town Hall. If you want to hang with real people who are not interested in mediocre faith, then come along.

I have much more to say.

2 comments.

Broady

Comment on June 28th, 2010.

Sensational mate – thanks for sharing (even though I know you couldn’t help it anyway!)

sojourner

Comment on July 2nd, 2010.

God is good isn’t he? Your spilling forth calls to mind the oil that is spilling into the ocean that cannot be stopped. Your “ozzing” is the antithisis – yours is of goodness – the other is of bleakness – yours we hope will continue into eternity – the other we hope will be plugged. Yours will coat the feathered souls of the oppressed and afflicted with hope and healing – the other brings captivity and death to the innocent creatures who become encapsulated. May the goodness of God that is spewing from your every pore spread throughout God’s Kingdom like a healing life giving spill that cannot be stopped.

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