The Walk Beside

Instead

Posted on August 1st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Today is a special day for me – a very special day.

In December last year, Libs and Carms accompanied me to see Dr Brad, and I was not feeling at all well. I was still in a lot of pain with my new hip, and I was at a very low point. To make things more difficult, Dr Brad and I were signing off on paperwork to let my employers and superfund groups know that, from a medical perspective, I had less than 12 months to live. Things were not at all good.

It was a very tough time, for every aspect of life for me had crumbled, and now it seemed like the approaching Christmas would indeed be my last. Not that it is all about making it to the next Christmas, but there is a lot not said at events like Christmas, birthdays, etc in regards to it most likely being the last one. I was really beginning to feel the overwhelming feeling that I had lost this fight.

I felt completely down, completely unwell, completely sore, and completely exhausted. The reassurances that I had been making to my family and friends that I would not take my life stopped that week.

About a month and a half later, I was walking back from a gig I had just seen and was feeling so distraught and alone, even though I was surrounded by great experiences, family and friends.

I was praying that night, “Father, I have to believe things will get better than this. Father, I have to believe things will get better than this. Father, I have to believe…” . I kept on praying this over and over, as I limped home weeping uncontrollably.

I made a very clear and definite decision that night, and told God that I had now had enough. It was a very easy decision to make at that point. It had now become obvious to me that the most caring and logical thing I could do for myself was to take my life. I hate to say it, and it wont make sense to most, but it was a very easy decision to make. I knew that the enormity of the grief, physical and mental pain that I was in at that time, and had experienced for so long, had taken its toll, and I could no longer live. It was time to go.

The only thing that I was sure of was that there was hope that things could get better. What I wasn’t sure of was if they would or not. I told God that I would live in this condition only 6 months more, and that was going to be a push as it was. I had my exit strategy worked out, and the day was going to be after Ma and Lib’s birthday, and before Dad’s, so that it didn’t land too close to any other event or anniversary. The final week was locked in, and as a few months went by, I decided it would all be over by the end of July.

Today, my mind is as far from that place as you could get. A miracle took place a few months ago, and my life has turned around completely. This is a brief intro to a topic that I haven’t talked about with but a few people. There is a lot that went on during this time in my life, and of course for those around me.

Today, the sun was out, it was perfect weather, I was at a wonderful wedding for a wonderful couple, and sat at the banquet table with just the most fabulous people. The reminded me how good we have got it, in being able to share in each others’ lives, bless each other, and make our time on this earth vibrant and rich. This was the perfect day to celebrate the simple fact that I was rescued from the grave, both by disease and by choice. I have been thanking God all day saying, “Father, you are good to me, you are so so good to me.”

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