The Underlying

Posted on August 14th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Things are still going well. Life is good, but life is hard. Really, really hard. The most difficult thing I am struggling with at the moment is a constant, underlying grief. It is a grief that expresses the loss that has been physically, mentally and relationally, and it seems to be around for the longhaul unless more changes come about.

The physical loss is sometimes obvious, sometimes not so. The hip still gives me constant pain. There is not a minute of the day or night where I am not in pain – very severe in some cases. My back also constantly hurts, and the general pain I feel is all over my body – it just doesn’t go. I am not complaining, rather just stating for the record, but I really hope I can get back to some pain-free life without drugs. I have been off the narcotic painkillers for about two weeks now, though I still wear patches, no tablets. My rib concerns me. A month now and the pain of a fracture is still there, for whatever reason.

I watch people walking and running, riding and jumping. It almost hurts me to watch them do it, as if I feel that they must be feeling the same pain that I am, but they are not. I have taken my mobility before this year for granted. When every step is painful, there is no way to escape the memories of what has happened.

I am an uncle again, to an incredibly cute Harrison. Going to visit Carms and Harrison in the hospital the last couple of days has been an ordeal. I felt like having panic attacks as I walked through some familiar corridors where I have had procedures. The smells, sounds and commons sights in hospitals haunt me. I feel like I am going to break down in tears still when I walk back into a hospital. Terrible feeling.

The underlying grief has not left, and I am not being pessimistic when I say I am not expecting it to. I don’t even know how I would feel if I didn’t feel any pain – I might still have this constant sadness mixed in with the joy of living. I certainly have had times recently when the sadness has outweighed the joy, and those times are really very difficult. It feels like a gradual death, rather than one that comes swiftly. I feel I have died about 20%, so I grieve the death of that portion of me. This exists at the same time as my happiness to be around.

So I am hoping for some gradual distractions to take my mind off what has happened. Things to make me not feel the pain, new experiences to create a new life, and doing what I can to use the grief to deepen my understanding of others’ lives in their difficulties. Not long now.

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