Back, Ribs, Heart.

Posted on September 9th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I have been rather busy this week, with a combination of things, hence the lack of writing.

Monday, I had a couple of scans.  Firstly, I had a bone density scan to see how my bone strength is going.  Then in the afternoon I had a CT scan to measure up for my radiation dose to my ribs.  All went well, a few new tattoos on my chest to locate the radiation.

Tuesday was a big day at Uni, tutoring 3 classes almost back to back.  It is a long day but I really love it.

Yesterday, I had a GP appointment in the morning to sort out my pain medications.  My back has been very sore and I am losing sensation from my waist down, so I fear nerve/spinal damage.  I have had to be back on the oxycontin to get any sleep, and during the day I feel like my spine is going to collapse – very unnerving.  In the afternoon, I had my one and only dose of radiation to kill off the tumour in my ribs.  I have felt rather nauseous since, but good to know that the tumour is on its way out.  My back now is my biggest concern.

Today, I am meant to supervise student teachers all over the place, but we’ll see how things go.  I have emailed Dr Brad requesting an urgent CT/MRI on my back.  The last thing I want or need is paralysis.  I fear there is a lesion in my spine.  It is difficult not to speculate, but the symptoms are quite severe and have been getting worse rapidly.

I am back to see Dr Brad tomorrow.  It is in this session that we will talk about further plans for my treatment.  I am keen to stay off chemo, but it will depend on the extent of my condition at this point.

My heart is the healthiest it has ever been I believe.  Despite the difficulties, uncertainty, underlying grief of loss and physical pain, my heart is happy beyond what I ever thought possible.  It was only six months ago that I was wanting to depart this earth as soon as possible, and had my date with death planned.  Now, I am the complete opposite – and that is the greatest miracle of all!  I have a passion to stay here, to experience further restoration.

I never thought I could love so deeply again, enjoy my work so passionately, fight so furiously to stay alive, or recognise such love as I feel now.  I do not fear death, but I am completely terrified of leaving those who I love too soon.  I believe in complete healing, so I will continue to pray for that to happen.  I am chatting with my pastor at the moment in regards to having a healing service in the next month to pray hard and faithfully for healing in my body and others.  I will post information once we have worked it out.

I feel like I am in the best situation now for getting better.  My head has been healed of torment, my heart is completely ecstatic.  I am so incredibly thankful for those people God has put in my life.  Just when I thought it was a better option to give into death, my reality changed and now I have everything to celebrate in life.  My body just needs to come in line with my head and heart – then it will be the strongest, happiest, healthiest, hunkiest body I would have ever had.

There are events that have happened recently where I feel God has sped things up, in His perfect timing, to have me looked after, loved in a way I have not registered before and full of ideas, hopes and aspirations for the future.  I can see a future of wife, family, healing, wholeness, peace and celebration – a far cry from months on end of depression, sadness, torment and imminent death.

If I had to go through the last 3 years to get to experience my last month, I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.  The news gets better – I can only see things getting better.  No matter what my body does, my future is secure.  The temporary nature of what we have on this earth is heavy in my thinking.  The beauty of eternity is also big in my thoughts, but I am happy to hang here for as long as I possibly can to enjoy everything I have been given in this chapter of life.

I have just received a call from Haematology, and the CT/MRI requests are on their way.  I will hopefully get in today or tomorrow.

2 comments.

Anna

Comment on September 9th, 2010.

I am in awe of your optimism Cam! And I’m happy to keep praying for absolute healing!

sojourner

Comment on September 9th, 2010.

hurray for heart and head healing! is there a new relationship in your life that has created new hope for “wife,family, healing, wholeness, peace and celebration?” or has your new heart given you new eyes for old relationships?

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