Part 2. May 24. Read Part 1 Below

Posted on May 24th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I have written two entries today- one before the consult and one after.  If you are disciplined, have amazing self-control and can bear delaying the outcome of today’s consult, then I would suggest you read the previous entry below (Part 1) to get the background.

Go on.  Off you go.

Whenever I have a major procedure that involves pain or risk, or receive big news (usually unwelcomed news) I splurge on a Bacon Double Cheeseburger meal (minus tomato).  Today, after the hospital visit, I supersized the order, and swapped the coke for a chocolate thick shake.

Ash and I have been praying that the options for me would be made clear, and today we feel they have never been clearer.  I was going to chat to Dr Dejan about coming off the trial.  I was willing to stay on it for a few more cycles if it meant the trial would give valuable data for other people in the same situation.  But for me it is clear that the trial has not worked.  As I was  about to talk to Dr D about coming off, he told us that it was their opinion that I was receiving the placebo trial drug (still receiving the real Velcade though) and so they had taken me off the trial as it was clearly not working.

My counts now are expected to be through the roof based on the exponential trend over the last few tests.  I felt completely relieved when he said this.  I didn’t want any more chemo, and the decision today was made very easy.  Prayer answered.

Another treatment option was presented, involving Velcade and 3 other hardcore chemo drugs.  It would involve another central line being put into my heart chamber via my neck again, 4-week cycles that we may have to repeat up to 3 or 4 times (therefore 3 or four months).  It would involve being an inpatient for significant amounts of time, becoming neutropenic and the side effects are significant.  I have already decided to not do this treatment, nor any other of the suggested ones that follow.  Dr D understood completely.

So now that leaves us in a place.  I haven’t been in this place before, but there is a sense of incredible relief for me.  I have had recent and significant miracles that have prepared me for hearing this news today, so we had encouragement and faith to operate from during the consult.  I still haven’t wept, which would be my usual response after such news.  In fact, quite the opposite – I have been excited all afternoon.  Ash and I spent the rest of the afternoon praying specifically for these next few months.  It is my expectation that the next two months especially will be glorious, whatever the outcome.

Ash and I have planned to be in the US from mid to late July, just after our wedding.  We are booked at a conference in Chicago in August, and we have various other plans that involve living rather than dying.  I have paid $70 for a ticket to the conference so I am not about to give that up, even though the exchange rate is in our favour, it is still $70 bucks.

My excitement is due to the fact that whatever happens, whatever the outcome, I am going to know soon.  We are trusting God with everything we have got, and when I feel my faith is lagging I am thankful for Ash and a host of others who are dripping with faith and encouragement that I can operate under.  After nearly 4 years of indescribable difficulty, an outcome is at hand.

We continue to pray furiously, passionately and with complete faith that the promises of God’s are good, that He is good, and that healing has been paid for by Christ at the cross.  The healings that we have witnessed and experienced in our own lives and what Jesus in his living, death and resurrection is enough.  I am secure in this now, regardless of outcome in my circumstance.

There is no losing option here.  Of this I am convinced and the truth of it manifests heavily in my spirit.  I am not feeling down.  I am not feeling defeated.  I am not feeling abandoned at this point at all.  On the contrary.

I feel like I am finally getting revelation of God’s love after recognising my own struggle in this area of accepting and recognising such love.  A glimpse is enough to bring about change.  This has been more difficult than I ever thought before, not because God’s love has not been there, but because of my own difficulty in accepting it.  This needs further explanation, but later.  For now, I am learning a lot, experiencing a lot, and experiencing peace at this time.

Between what I have seen in Ash’s life and the testimonies and teaching at our church, I have seen and heard the most amazing revelations of the transforming power of God I need for a time such as this.  I feel ready, excited, confident and peaceful about these next couple of months.  When it comes to what I believe about Jesus, I can never die a fool as He never lived as one.

My perceptions of who God is has almost done a complete shift recently, and it has still got a way to go – I still feel and live with perceptions that disfigure God, but thankfully these are being chipped away at.  I am dying to see God as He is, and now I know a powerful revelation is standing by.

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Part 1, May 24.

Posted on May 24th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Life is so busy – and I have very few commitments, so I don’t know how people with normal lives cope!

Today is hospital day and quite a significant one as I will be talking with Dr D (Dr Brad’s reg) about stopping treatment.  I have just had my bloods taken and I am not at all worried about the results.  I just have a peace about the future, no matter what is going on in my body.

Ash and I believe we are not fighting against the natural realm, so our trust is now solely in God.  There is good reason.

We have been encountering miracles along the way that have been encouraging to say the least.

This last weekend was a tiring one.  After a great family night on Saturday, my body was clearly not coping with the physically active weekend.  I could hardly walk due to hip pain and my back was also in severe pain.  I got home Saturday night and limped straight to bed.

A big part of this week has been that I have completely come off all painkillers.  I don’t even take panadol, and the fact that there is still oxycontin in the house and I am not taking any is a miracle in itself.  No longer am I physically addicted, but for the first time since November 2009 I am not mentally addicted.  My experience with painkiller addiction would need a decent chapter on its own.  I think some people’s nature and certain drugs are a bad combination.  For me they have been as much of a curse as they have been a help.  Nineteen months with hillbilly heroin ended last week. Check this link out. The whole doco can be seen on YouTube. Frightening.

Anyway, back to Saturday night pain…  I took nothing for the pain that night, partly because there are no painkillers at this stage that would put a dent in any of my pain other than stuff I don’t want to be on again.  Ash and I just prayed that it would be gone in the morning.

I woke up and was expecting the pain to be gone, but alas, I was still in agony with both leg and back pain – often needing to walk holding onto something.  I was working on some music for church that evening.  Every 10 minutes or so I would go and lay on the couch to try stretch my back out to ease the pain, then go back into the music room.

Ash came in and we were just talking about a few things.  Part of the conversation involved Ash saying “You are healed, you have no pain, you are healthy, and I declare this in Jesus name.”

We kept on talking for about five minutes while I was sitting down.  I had been sitting down for about 15 minutes so I stood up to go to the couch again.  As soon as I stood up, it was obvious that both my leg pain and back pain had gone.  I hadn’t even thought about what Ash said a few minutes before I stood up.

I said, “It’s gone!”  I was still in a little shock that it had disappeared.  I started kicking my leg back and forth in the air to make sure there was no pain, then started running through the house, putting full weight on it and prancing about like a ballerin… Hip Hop dancer.  We were just laughing and thanking God – these things have been happening often, yet we still get a buzz from it and the encouragement we get is much needed.

I am writing this from the hospital before the beginning of my 6th cycle.  Must head into the consult now with Dr Dejan (pronounced Dayan) – brilliant doctor.  Anyway, got to go.

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