No news is… no news.

Posted on May 30th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I received a call from the trial nurse today (she looks after the trial, she is not on probation) and they are going to do a trial closure for me in a couple of weeks. This just means I will be having my final lot of tests done to bring a conclusion to the trial results. They could just write down “bo-bow” (inflection and tone required to convey meaning – think incorrect answer sound effect on Wheel of Fortune). After all that explaining, it would probably be easier after all to pee in a bottle for a day and have multiple blood tests. Where was I…

Mixed reactions to the news on the weekend. Mostly because I explained to people that the Doctors had allowed me to come off chemo. Faces would light up, thinking that I was now in the clear. I still get excited by that news though, so I want others to see the positive side of it too. My body never has to have chemo again. I am thankful for the time it has bought me, but I am so glad it is not a part of my future. I am not sure where my levels are at the moment as we haven’t tested my paraproteins for a while. An estimation is that they are around 400-500 again. We are not fazed by the results though. If I were to go totally off what my body was telling me, I would say I am getting better, and that I should get my butt waxed. But sometimes we don’t always listen to what our bodies tell us.

I am off to Albany for a 20 year school reunion this weekend. Twenty freakin years. Seems like just yesterday that I was full of uncertainty, confusion, quite awkward and had skinny legs. Well, that was indeed yesterday, but 20 years ago I was a novice at it all. Now, I have just had time to perfect those attributes.

I have let the groups of people who I work for know that I will not be around to work next semester. Ash and I are planning to do a bit of travelling if all goes well. I booked us into a weekend in Chicago early August to go against what the cancer has planned for me. So many plans have been ruptured over these 4 years. So many plane tickets lost, rescheduled, so many plans scrapped at the last minute due to health issues. I have been moving in the opposite spirit to cancer every chance I have had over the four years, and so far it has just resulted in losing a whole lotta money. But this cancer has to crack soon. I will do everything I can to go against its intent to steal anything else. It has taken its pound of flesh. And the rest.

I have still not wept. This is strange. The only time I have wept recently was during prayer for something else. This is another story in itself, but for another time perhaps. I am still waiting to see if the answer to the praying is as significant now as it was significant then. This is a terrible thing to do – half explaining a scenario and then not ending it properly. Anyway, this is usually the time to crumble numerous times as I explain the latest to family and friends, but it hasn’t happened this way this time. I am not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. Maybe a person just gets assigned a certain amount of tears for a lifetime and if you use yours up before your 80 years is up then you just have to resort to eyedrops. Not sure.

Physically, things are pretty good. I can feel pain in my left femur and a few left ribs. The PET scan showed lesions in both femurs, ribs, numerous bones in the shoulder areas, but none in the spine, well, no big ones at least. My head has been spinning for the last 4 days which I have not had before. On the positive side of things, I sometimes feel that my lesions are just getting better – that the healing has happened and the only activity going on at the moment is regeneration of bone and tissue, all with good cells.

I know that I say there is a lot going on that I am not writing up, but there is. I am going to start writing this stuff up soon, as I feel it is the season to do so. It is mainly about how I have seen God over the years, and how that has changed – especially over the last few years. It is nigh impossible to not have a God change on you over an extended time of difficulty. God does not change, we are told, so yay for the ability for our understanding of God to change. I have heard people say it doesn’t matter what each individual thinks about God, if they think about God at all. Hmmmm – very post modern – where its ok to perceive God how you like, make him or her fit how you want. This works for Mr Potatohead, but probably not the best way to treat the Creator of the world. Not sure if I will put it on this site or another one, but I have some time to write now, so I am doing my finger stretches now.

2 comments.

Spanna

Comment on June 1st, 2011.

I’m sorry I won’t see you at the 20 year reunion, but I expect to see you at the next few! 30? 40? 50 years? They should all be even more interesting!

Cam

Comment on June 2nd, 2011.

I will pass on your regards Anna! I plan to be at whatever next reunion there is. I have to make up for the days I missed at school somehow.

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