The dark side…

Posted on June 8th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Last night I was in large amounts of pain from the tumours in my back. They are big enough now to either press on my rib cage on the left hand side, or make me lean over because my back is uneven. Then there is something under my heart that is taking some pressure too. The pain from these areas can be quite excruciating. Last night, it was enough to make me twist around in my bed trying to find relief from a position that let me rest. In the end, it was back to using a dose of oxycontin again. It was not what I wanted, but the pain has once again become an issue. The good news is I can’t feel the pain in my legs anymore. Haven’t noticed that in a few days.

My GP, Dr Simon, is a brilliant Doctor, and I have been very fortunate to have him oversee my treatment and sort out all the various areas of health over the years. It was Dr Simon who, four years ago almost, had me walk into his office and declare that I needed to see a doctor who specialised in ‘this’!” as I pointed to the big ol’ bump on my sternum. He got the ball rolling anyway, and has been fantastic ever since. Dr Simon called me into the surgery this morning to sort out my pain issues. So now I am back on patches, endone, and sleeping tablets.

This is the point where, supposedly, things are supposed to get difficult, I suppose. Well, I can vouch for that supposition, as I can’t remember doing anything easily for quite some time. This circumstance certainly is wearing on mind and body.

Although it would be easy to put across an impression that I am handling this time well, I want to acknowledge that it has been far more difficult that I could ever express, and I find myself crumbling again, confused about what to do next, mourning the time it seems I will lose with family and friends, mourning the loss of the things I didn’t get to do or experience, constantly fighting feelings of regret and disappointment. These feelings exist even in the midst of trying to stay positive. I have a huge amount of hope for a future and believe that healing is possible, but I still can’t stop crying each time I say goodbye to my nieces and nephews after spending the morning with them. I have so much to lose, and it is that ‘so much’ that I am becoming more and more thankful for.

I feel I am completely in the middle of the tug-o-war between what I have my faith in, and the direction that my body is going. I know the fear is looming that the next time I am forced to go to the hospital it most likely will be the one-way trip. The tumours are growing as rapidly as they did last time and I ended up in hospital for the week and then back on chemo. This time, there is no treatment planned. Although this fear is looming, I don’t feel it at this point. I feel sad for the emotions that run through me and others at this time, but I grin because I know there is hope, and that is enough for now.

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