The Pointy End

Posted on June 15th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I came down from York with Mum and Dad this morning so I could get to my midday appointment at the hospital. This was a bit of a trial ‘wrap up’ if you like, just taking final levels and answering a few questions so they can close my part of the study down.

The doctor I was meant to see was a new doctor and, because he didn’t know my history, Dr Brad took me straight in and spent a good chunk of time with me. We had a good chat, and Dr Brad is always straight down the line with me.

As some of the results were in, we checked them out. All organs are functioning really well, aside from kidneys that are a little high. My creatinine level about a month ago was 90 μmol/L (normally around 60 μmol/L) and the trend indicated it was increasing which is not good. The kidneys usually take the hardest knock with MM, overloading them with toxins as well as keeping up with the body’s normal detox needs. My creatinine levels got to over 200 after my stem-cell transplant ordeal. I do not know what they are after my blood test yesterday, but I should find out over the next few days.

Dr Brad talked to me about my decision to not take on further treatment. I explained to him that I didn’t want to risk getting sick with chemo, risking a hastening of fatal illness or spending my last months with no quality of life ( I remember enough about my stem-cell transplant to not go through that again). He understood.

I asked Dr Brad what the progression from this point would be. Usually, the kidneys would fail due to toxins overloading, then the body would begin to shut down and basically fall asleep. I was thankful that the process was so simple and it sounded painless. I asked what kind of timeframe he would expect this to take place. It would of course depend on what results come through over the next couple of days but he said a realistic expectation would be between two weeks and a couple of months.

I didn’t flinch as this wasn’t anything drastically different from what I was expecting, and it is not the reality I adhere to anyway. What Dr Brad said was completely understandable and appreciated from his vast experience and knowledge of the disease, but it is far from what I have my hope in, so it changed absolutely nothing for me.

I didn’t feel worried walking into the hospital, didn’t feel at all surprised during our chat, and didn’t feel at all fearful about the future when I was walking out. I say this because I know what I used to be like. I struggled to hold things together when I had been told similar news – and that was when we had treatment options! Not there is nothing, and I feel completely and utterly confident and peaceful. This is definitely the peace that flips logic on its head – the peace that God promises believers. I have it in truckloads – there is no other explanation for it. Some people have a peace that comes through resignation. Well, I haven’t resigned – quite the opposite – we are just cranking up our battle-cry a notch or two.

The peace that I feel is not from denial either. I know I have seen enough friends die from the same or similar diseases to understand what is denial and what is not. I know the risks, stats and progression of this disease enough to understand what it is capable of. I also have a growing understanding of God’s unlimited healing power and that provides way more in hope than a limited medical solution. I will be forever thankful for the medical staff and resources that have helped me get to this point.

It is quite unbelievable to think that a prognosis of 2+ weeks would be given to someone who looks quite well, can run and skip around (a little limited mind you:) , and has a furious determination to be married in two weeks! Apart from being a rather large inconvenience, I really don’t have the time to die!

We pray quite specifically at the moment that the tumor in my back will disappear, break down, vacate, take leave, desist, expire, become an ex-tumor. I will write about this process another time, as I am again beginning to come under the wise counsel of endone who tells me I should get some rest. That is the first time I have heard a narcotic say something responsible. I usually hear, “You wanna piece of me?”

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