A Strong Heart

Posted on August 18th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Home feels empty and lifeless. Bed is cold and superfluous without Cam by my side. A king bed seems too big for one. It’s a new mattress that we picked out together. It only got delivered last Friday so we haven’t even been able to lay on it together. We spent hours in 40 Winks two weeks ago having a great time trying all the beds to find a perfect match for us. It was a long decision making process for us: Too hard, too soft, not the right technology, not the right material, we roll into the centre too much, we roll off the edge a bit, test it on our back, side and tummy, try this one and then that one and then this one again. Oh we tested every bed thoroughly. Our mattress testing technique must have given the staff a giggle. Most importantly it had to have the best anti-partner-disturbance technology because one of us sleeps like an inflatable dancing tube man outside a furniture store sale on a really windy day (I won’t say who, but evidence suggests it might be me).

Cam has been sedated for four days now. We didn’t think he’d make it through Tuesday. We all said our “see you soon” goodbyes and went home late that night. We thought perhaps he was waiting for us to go so he could let go. Our darling Cameron certainly has a strong heartin more ways than one. He’s still hanging on, still sedated and is sleeping peacefully now. Midazolam was one of his favourite drugs so hopefully he’s happy with the doctor’s choice of sedative.

Dr Davray explained that because he’s young, he can hold on for longer but it’s only a matter of time – maybe hours or days. All they can do is make him as comfortable as possible by giving him a constant supply of  sedatives and pain relief through a syringe driver.

Cam has had a couple of lovely days of visits from extended family and close friends. He would have absolutely loved and treasured that time dearly. We’ve shared time with Cam playing his favourite music, talking to him, reminiscing and laughing. With Dr Davray’s suggestion, Cam’s family and I have agreed that visits will now be limited to immediate family only so as to reduce stimulation for Cam and maintain a peaceful environment in his room. We all know how he loves a good chat and would hang around just to give his time to those who love him.

Despite all indications pointing to death, I still have hope for a healing miracle, if for no other reason but because I have to believe that God’s power is greater than we can understand and I don’t want to limit His power within my limited understanding. But whatever the outcome, I just want my beautiful husband, our friend, brother and son, to be set free from the torment of this disease and to finally be at peace.

I know Cam feels blessed and overwhelmed by all your prayers, love and kindness and he always takes the time to make sure you all know it.  I want to add to that and say your prayers are also carrying me through this, in a time when all I can pray is “please God”. So with all of my heart, thank you.

I won’t write another blog now until Cam is healed or taken, or unless his condition changes in another way.

God bless.

Ash

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