The Walk Beside

An average day

Posted on January 15th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I spent the last few days up at York at Ma and Pa’s.  They look after me incredibly.

Tried to set up a workshop one of the old sheds with Dad, but my body was just tired.  Tired and sore.  It made me wonder the whole time whether what I was doing was just wishful thinking.  I am still excited by it all, but I have been at this point before, then my body or mind just caves in and that is it for a time.

I ran out of painkillers a day ago.  This makes me frantic as I haven’t been handling things well if I have no painkillers.  The physical pain I can handle, although it is annoying and uncomfortable.  But the Oxycontin and Oxynorm are pre-reqs for a manageable day.  When I ran out the other day, I made a bee-line for the GP who kindly doubled my dose.  It is just that the chemist didn’t have the quantity or strength in the other day, so I chewed through a full packet of the quick release in a day to get me through.  I haven’t talked much about the role that morphine is playing in my life at the moment, but it has been significant since October last year.   Like the feather was to Dumbo, really.  Except if I lose grip of the Oxy, I fall faster than Dumbo and crash at the end.

My body pain and immobility this morning was really discouraging.  I get these days every now and then and wonder how much longer this can go on.  There really is a point where going on is more difficult than going out.  There are many things that I have got that make it worth it, no doubt, but the ongoing effort that it takes to have a difficult day takes its toll.

My happiness today came from being a son to my folks - they are amazing and make me feel like the only thing that matters.  It also came from being around my sisters and my friend Tones tonight for dinner.

When I ran out of painkillers on Tuesday arvo, I did the logical thing and bought a guitar.  It was cheaper than smack (just) and is socially more acceptable (unless one plays Boney M tunes on it).  It is a beautiful thing, a piece of fine art that makes incredible sounds.  I am very happy with it - more than happy with it.  I wish I had of bought it 20 years ago.

I am still getting used to my high-dose painkillers.  They are like my old painkillers, but on steroids.  The space between this paragraph and the last is worth about 15 minutes where I zoned out.  I like them already.

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Another week off

Posted on January 11th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I found out today that the authority for my Velcade was not requested, so I am unable to receive my doses this week, which means another week off.  I am told this is not anything to worry about, but I have been breaking out in sweats tonight which is not usual.

Aside from that, housing options are presenting themselves.  I really love it here in the city, walking distance from most things, yet quiet.  Close to hospitals, Hyde Park, cafes, restaurants, family.

I will be setting up the silver workshop up at York this week, so not sure how wise it will be to do such physical mayhem to a body, but will see.

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Mixed messages

Posted on January 11th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

This week I will be hopefully sorting out a place to live that I picture will be a long-term home.  I am approaching the decision of where to live in faith that I am going to be around for another 40 years.  I picture the possibility of growing old somewhere.  I have to keep reminding myself that this place is where I will be living - it is not where I will be dying (thankfully, for the neighbours’ sake - I hear the smell is unbearable).

Meanwhile, I will also chatting with my palliative care doctor during the week.  It is not a chat about my final days, it is just about getting some more lollies for pain relief, but the mere fact that I am in periodic conversations with a palliative care doctor is a massive mental step.  When I first met him, I felt like I had just stepped over a line and was now in the inner sanctum.

My mind is exhausted by the mixed messages.  Hope relaxes, inspires, gets excited about planning, it gives permission for creative ideas to give a surge of life to a tired body.  On the other hand, I am finding it very difficult to find cheerful tunes to whistle as I go through the double doors signposted “Palliative Care”.

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Settling

Posted on January 7th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

One of my main goals at this time is to get settled.  I think I am getting there.  A big part of this of course is working out where to live.  My sisters Rach and Carms (and fams) have been looking after me since the hospital stints last year, but I feel like I need to get grounded again in a place and a routine.  There are a few prospective housing options, so hopefully something will be locked in over the next couple of weeks.

I started one of my jobs yesterday.  It is one day a week overseeing some doco/tutorials being made about Indigenous Language and Culture.  I think it is going to be a great project for me and quite manageable over this semester.  I will continue the silver business when I am able.  This just means setting up a workshop up at York, but I’m looking forward to getting things fired up again.  The rest of the time I will be doing my own mini projects involving writing, music and some filming every now and then.  It should be a good year.

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The Really Happy New Year

Posted on January 1st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Ok, I have to say that we are off to a good start for the year.  After a rather sombre look at the past and the future last night, I have a spring in my step.  It has been a great day and a great start to the year.

Kicked things off this morning with a visit to the beach.  I feel so fortunate to be able to live in Western Australia.  The beaches are just something else, and only 15 mins away usually.  After a refreshing dip in the clear blue waters, I went for a 1km run along the beach.  This is the first real run since the hip replacement in October.  It felt great to have the wind run through my monastic hair.

Rach then organised an afternoon of kite flying for the family.  It was just brilliant.  Seeing the new generation of kids come through nothing short of a privilege to watch.  I would love to be a Dad one day, but for now, being an Uncle is truly amazing.

So it is time to have a good year.  On the agenda is finding a roof over my head for now.  I am reluctant to detail my resolutions, but they include a couple of writing projects, music, documentaries, education, etc and on a personal front they include spending time with family and friends while recovering from last year.

I am reminded today how amazing I do have it.  There are things happening all around me where people are not so fortunate with their outcomes.  So I have it good, really I do.

The good year continues tonight with a glass of white wine, Bruce Springsteen, babysitting (Angus, not Bruce) and wearing tight black jeans and my favourite Phoenix t-shirt.  The guitar will come out in a minute or two.

Happy New Year, really.

You can check out photos from the kite flying afternoon at Rachel’s blog www.barrandgirl.blogspot.com

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Happy New Year

Posted on January 1st, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I don’t really know what I can say about the last year, or what I hope the new year holds.  Last year, 2009, defeated me.  I lost.

I remember the footage that was filmed when this blog first started.  I was cocky. I was handling a difficult situation the best way I knew how.  Well, I am no longer cocky.  I feel beaten.  I may not stay in this place, but for now, it is a feeling that is as heavy as wet concrete.

This year has included my spinning out of control, deep depression, careless treatment of those who love me, a  post-traumatic breakdown, the surfacing of all the anger, rejection, esteem crap, false beliefs, destructive self-perceptions and chronic confusion.  It has included the devastating separation from my wife Elizabeth, who has selflessly loved me through years of difficulty.  It has included too many prayers for my breathing to stop and too many verbal sprays to God stating how much he’s let me down.  It has included my body being chipped away at, making it look and feel hideous to me now.  After a lifetime of hating my body,  it seems to be getting back at me now.  I am dependent on drugs for controlling pain and maintaining brain.  This has all happened this year, and so much more.

Tonight, new year’s eve, I just couldn’t talk with anyone.  Part of me craved conversation, as it usually does, but the amount on my mind in reflection is still too much, and maybe it is better to leave the year behind entirely.  It is time to look forward.

I am not good at this looking forward, moving on, so this is my over-arching resolution I think.  I want to be well.  I want to have kids. I want to be in relationship. I want to be restored.  I want 2010 to be the best year yet.  Although I know it is possible, at this point, to be honest, I just can’t see it.

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Christmas 2009

Posted on December 26th, 2009 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Christmas began with a banquet on Christmas eve second only to the second coming banquet thanks to Rach.  It truly was a taste of heaven, with a hint of lime.  Christmas breakfast was overseen and executed by myself, and when I say executed, it very nearly was.  Coconut and banana pancakes nearly ended up in the compost due to a semantic error (confusing the words ‘egg yolk’ and ‘egg white’).  Nothing liquid nails couldn’t fix.  Sleep, then lunch, then beach, then dinner, then catching up with dear Albany friends.  A perfect day, considering the year and circumstances.

I gave everyone in the family trees this year.  Family are all moving into new houses soon so I am looking to give them a gift that lasts a lifetime or more, or just creates a root problem for the next generation.  Whatever, they will either go to the houses or go to the family farm in York to create a grove.  I have also started some recordings, but due to unforeseen chemo overdoses and bad days, I only got one song out of five half finished.  So a bit of work to go.

I received a cow amongst other things.  The cow is being given to a developing country which is just as well as I love beef more than I love farming.  It is safer wherever else it ends up.  In the absence of the official card arriving stating how the cow will be useful, Dad drew his own card up.  He is the first to point out that his artistic ability is lacking but I thought the contrary today.  The cow was incredibly lifelike.  And it is so hard to find cows with three testicles these days to do still life.  I am proud he was able to capture the detail, it being a heifer and all.

Planning the year and living details is the main thing on the agenda over these weeks, hopefully before new year’s.

Christmas is a benchmark to get through these days, and it is the unspoken concern whether this will be the last one for so many people.  My thoughts today have been with families who are having their first Christmas without a loved one, especially the family of Mark who passed away in Townsville a couple of weeks ago.  God bring healing to me, to Steve, to Tim, to Anne, to Julianne, to Holly, to Judi, to Scott, to Tanya, to Norm, to Milanda, to Petrina, to so many others whose goal maybe to make it to the next Christmas with everything intact.

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Consult with Dr Brad

Posted on December 22nd, 2009 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

I was a bit hesitant to find out my results today from a blood test I had last Friday.  The reason being I have felt more pains in my body lately, though I have been weaning myself off painkillers also.

I was ecstatic when Dr Brad showed me the omniscient computer screen, revealing that my para-protein counts were 0.5 counts higher than last month - up to 10.  This is still brilliant, and a damn-sight better than the 3000 experienced in earlier tests.

Not only this, but I have been accepted into a hospital-based trial that will keep me on this drug for another amount of time once my 11 cycles run out (which is actually pretty soon).  This news is fantastic, as I am doing very well on this drug, and the longer I can be on it, the longer I get to breath my allotment of oxygen on this earth.  I was absolutely so thankful for this news, and see it as a real gift - unexpected and right in time for Christmas.

The upside of being pretty bad with maths is that I miscalculated what my 11 cycle Velcade limit equated to.  I was under the impression that this worked out to be close to a year (thinking each cycle was a month originally) and if we stretched it out I would get about 18 months.  But, alas, 11 cycles gives only 33 weeks, of which I am about to use up my 10th, and we could possibly squeeze a year out of it with half doses.

The downside of being pretty bad with maths (or just blissfully ignorant) is that I just lost a significant block of time in my thinking of what life is left.  Still, in the light of the tragic news of my friend Steve who has recently been diagnosed, I have nothing to complain about at all.  Healing needs to happen for him before it happens for me.

At the end of my day, however, I have felt so thankful to God for everything I have.  My family and my incredible friends.  Everything I have I count a gift, apart from the dumb-ass plasma cells that can’t get their act together, but they at least have a little more time to sort themselves out.

I have the best doctor a guy could ask for in Dr Brad, and equally amazing nursing staff who have become life-long friends.  Although in this industry it is pretty easy to make life-long friends, these people would be the amazing long-life friends also, it is just that we need to squeeze that long life into a small chunk it seems.  Quality sometimes outweighs quantity.

I accidently took a double dose of chemo today.  That’s what happens when they leave me in charge of my own drugs.  So now I feel a little wrecked.  Must sleep.

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I don’t know what to say…

Posted on December 21st, 2009 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

News tonight that a friend and well known pastor in Perth, Steve, is waiting on results confirming that he has Pancreatic cancer.

The prognosis is devastating, and he has a wife and two young children who have begun their journey that no one should go through.

After being forced to think about these matters for a couple of years now, I still don’t know what to say.

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Ups and Downs

Posted on December 20th, 2009 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

The movement between the ups and downs in my mood and ability to handle things at the moment is a torment.

The night before last, Thursday night, I wrote an entry.  I held back pushing the ‘publish’ button as I wasn’t sure if it needed to go public, or whether it remains private.  There are still many things that are too raw at the moment.  This is it though:

Overwhelming

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