The diagnosis of cancer has started a new direction for me. We all have our own journeys, but the invitation is to walk beside.
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Posted on July 8th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
Whatever the case, today’s date will always remind me of the beginning of a chapter of incredible privilege for me.
Posted on June 27th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
What I want to say can never be expressed, try as I might. What I am feeling at the moment is the pinnacle of my life experience, and it involves every area of my life.
I have only one prayer at the moment, one focussed, repetitive, honest, intense prayer, and it is simply, “Father you are so good to me, Father you are so good to me, Father you are so good to me…” – It just goes over and over, and you can hear the smile in my voice as I say it. I am just giddy with an overwhelming sense of my Creator’s goodness to me, it is bottomless – it hasn’t stopped. Just when I think it is about to run out, or when I think I have had my share, it just keeps on coming. Then when I feel like I can’t take any more… I get pummelled with more. That is the nature of it.
I am in constant disbelief of how good I have got it. I can’t even go into detail about how good things are at the moment, because it would sound like I have more than my fair share of good things. But I do.
I have the best family in the world, amazing friends, I have had the privilege of sharing a significant part of my life with an incredible wife, phenomenal support from people I have never met, I have shelter, food, jobs I love, health, clothes and ugg boots. I wake up with the least amount of pain I have had for a long time. I have had the privilege of teaching the most amazing group of human beings a teacher, or any person really, could wish for being a part of. I just have it so, so good.
And I know what I am talking about. I have the authority and confidence to say that it is God’s goodness, because I know what He has rescued me from, and I know what He has rescued me to. The darkness that I have experienced is inexplicable. It is not like anything I would want to experience again, nor for it happen to anyone else. I can say that I have been to places that seemed hopeless, yet hope proved itself worthy of clinging to, worthy of retaining its name, worthy of using in sentences where all other sentiments had resigned. Now, my life has had such a complete change, in every way possible, and it is beyond human explanation, beyond what is humanly possible to achieve, beyond what a logical mind could reason.
I have been a part of something so profound, so incredibly real, that it has left me gobsmacked, speechless, lost for words. The upside of this predicament is that I haven’t been able to shut up about it for the last few weeks. The people who I have run into during the day get the 5 or 10 minute version. I give them the rundown of what has gone on for the last 3 years. They have little chance to escape, but usually they are as speechless as much as I am speechfull, if I may use a made up word.
I know whatever happens in my life from this point is a miracle. If I go and buy a litre of milk, it is a miracle. If I ran out of petrol on the freeway yesterday, hypothetically, it was a miracle. If I have to have that same hypothetical vehicle towed because it broke down and I end up telling the truck driver my story, it is a miracle. If I get up in the morning bright and early, it is a miracle – but that one always was really.
If I do end up tripping over my shoelaces and land awkwardly on a forsaken pin cushion, inflicting a wound that gradually became infected by a species of bacterium for which no antibiotic existed, or indeed if cancer returned, and I was fatally affected, I know that already many miracles have taken place in my life, especially in the last 4 months. I would die knowing that my Creator has been so good to me, so very, very good to me. I say this, not because it pleases anyone around me – that accomplishes nothing – but because I can’t stop declaring it, to others, and to myself.
It sure beats the prayer only back in April I think, where my statement to God was, “Father, it must get better than this, it must get better than this…” This is where I forced myself to declare the truth, even when my body ached with pain, and my mind was conducting its own wrestling match between wanting to die and doing the right thing by hanging around. Nobody knows the full story of what has gone on for me. Some people know a lot, but the whole picture is still a mystery to me, although it is slowly unfolding.
The treasure that I feel like I have received – the grace, the second and third and fourth chances, the provision, the support, the opportunities etc., have been given to me despite my failure to do good, despite my failed relationship, despite my shortcomings, despite my selfishness. Such is the nature of God. He longs to be gracious to us, He yearns to lavish goodness on us, He can’t wait to overwhelm us with stuff that is so individually tailored to give us the desires of our hearts. This stuff is stated in scripture, and I could just read it, but I can say it is soooo much better to experience it first-hand.
So I have no agenda in saying any of this. It is just oozing from me at the moment. I do not have a sponsorship deal with Heaven, nor do I care about impressing anyone by saying what I say. It is just naturally spilling out as a minute taste of what is going on in my heart and head.
I am so thankful for each and every one who has been praying, thinking, supporting and loving me and Libs and my fam throughout this time. I am so humbled by such loving people, selfless people, people who have taught me depths of human character whilst seamlessly demonstrating God’s character. It has been one incredible journey, as well as many incredible journeys.
There is going to be more to come. For the first time in a long time, my head, body and spirit want to participate in every part of this gift of life by making every breath, every contact, every event and every connection with another, count.
I want to take whatever opportunities to tell people what has gone on in my life. So if I get the chance to speak in schools, churches, cancer support groups, nudist colonies, youth groups, you name it… I will be there. If you want to come and meet with others who are also keen to understand more about our Creator and us in relationship to Him, I can’t begin to express how much I have been supported and encouraged by friends at The Mission. We meet on a Sunday arvo at 4 in North Perth Town Hall. If you want to hang with real people who are not interested in mediocre faith, then come along.
I have much more to say.
Posted on June 23rd, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
I can’t begin to describe how happy I am at the moment, but I will try.
It is about 2am and I can’t sleep. It is raining, and I am snuggled in bed warm and comfortable, although a little insomniatic. I just feel incredibly content and overwhelmingly happy (the English language can be so restricting at times).
I had a great day at work today. I love being at Uni, and the Education Faculty of a University is probably one of the most powerful and influential centers of our society. If you can influence a student teacher for the better, they can influence their classroom students when they have their classes. I have about 40 teachers in my classes, all of whom will have roughly 25 students next year. In two degrees of separation, about a thousand kids can be affected by the actions of us as teachers. Quite a privilege. Quite a responsibility. Important to get it right.
It has taken a week to settle back into tutoring, I was a bit rough at the start, but now I just love it so much that things are flowing a lot better. One of the main reasons I left mainstream teaching was due to outcomes-based education that has sucked toilet water since its inception in our education system. After many passionate discussions with principals, colleagues, university lecturers and some colourful letters written to education ministers regarding the manuristic basis of outcomes-based philosophies, I am teaching pre=service teachers how to pretend to use it, knowing that it is now being phased out. Hallelujah.
I have constant reminders that I have the best friends and family that I could ever have hoped for. I am thankful for them everyday, and thankful for the many who have prayed for me over such a long time, or supported me with encouragement. I feel it would take another lifetime for me to show the extent of my gratitude for everyone who has seen me through these years, but I will use this lifetime to convey what I can.
I can’t shut up about my story. I tell people what has gone on in my life, and tell them with excitement and not an inch of doubt about how God has stepped in, how friends have stepped up, and how family have stepped along. I feel I can talk about suffering with some sense of authority. Not that I have experienced an extreme suffering, but enough for me to articulate to others that the presence of suffering in this world doesn’t prove the absence of a loving God, but rather highlights beyond a doubt for me how much we need a loving God in this world – a Saviour from this brokenness. The love and support that I have received from friends, family, and people I will never meet illustrates just how severely God created us in His image. These few examples need more than a sentence to explain, but their truths exist for me stronger than ever.
So I listen to the rain tonight in the wee hours of the morning, grinning. Rain is what God has often used to proclaim His presence to me most clearly over the years. Growing up in Albany, where drizzle seemed constant. Experiencing the almost daily thunderstorms in the Blue Ridge Mountains over 3 summers in the Carolinas. Feeling the powerful deluges of the wet season in Darwin. There is something about the rain that puts me at peace immediately. Having lightning shock me through the ground during a electrical storm whilst drenched and on the top of a mountain back in 1996 would be an exception to that peaceful feeling – but it was memorable, all the same.
Posted on June 13th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
During the darkest times over the last year or so, I wrote down some of the prayers that came out, usually out of despair. They are recorded here.
Posted on June 8th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
Some days I literally can’t believe I am where I am, wherever I am. My life has had such a complete turnaround.
It has just gone 6am, and I am watching an incredible sunrise while on a flight to Port Hedland. A producer, cameraman and I are spending most of the week filming a 20 minute tutorial/documentary on one of the Indigenous languages of the Pilbara region of Western Australia. It is quite a privilege to be coordinating this project, as many of the Indigenous languages are dying out, and will continue to do so unless our generation can capture as much as we can in any form of media, in addition to the passing down of the languages from the elders. It will certainly be an interesting week. We are working closely with one of the primary schools in Hedland, filming lessons taught by one of the elders who teaches at the school.
I have been incredibly busy in the last month. It seems everything has happened at once, and everything that is happening is great! Somehow, I have ended up working in four different jobs, as well as spending one day a week doing my own projects. The job that I am working at for this week is as a project coordinator for an organization called Wyemando (www.wyemando.org.au). This involves coordinating media projects that preserve and teach Indigenous languages in WA. I usually just work one day a week with this organization, but we are filming a major project this week and I will take a break over the next month while it is being edited.
The silver work is quite busy also. Dad has been fantastic in getting the studio up and running and helping me out with the orders when I run out of time or energy. There is a short YouTube video on the site that shows a little of the process of making the silver items. You can see it at www.harrisandson.com.au.
Job number three I have been working has been with Edith Cowan University as a prac supervisor, or University Colleague as they call them now. This just involves overseeing pre-service teachers as they do their teaching pracs in primary schools. I am based at Joondalup which is about half an hour away, but it is a job that I really love and is very flexible as I work whatever hours I want. I try and do this one or two days a week at the moment.
Job four is also at the Uni, and I start this week when I get home as a tutor at the ECU campus in Joondalup also. The unit is a preparation unit for fourth year education students to get them ready for their pracs. It works out perfectly as I have two tute groups in the same afternoon and can do my supervising stuff in the mornings.
In the time I have left over in the week I have been working on my own mini-documentaries and education website. I am hoping to launch it all in about a month. There is still a lot to do, but I am really enjoying it and learning a lot as I go.
Health-wise, the most significant event in the last week was that I came right off my painkillers. This has been a mammoth task, and I have found it incredibly difficult to break the dependency, both physically and mentally. At my worst, I was losing count of how many tablets of Oxycontin/Oxynorm I was taking, but it got to 300- 400mg a day on some days, and this has been going on since November last year. Last week, I got down to 30mg a day for a few days then stopped. My body got exceptionally angry with me, causing all over body pain, acute hip pain, muscle cramps, sweats, anxiety and swings into depression. I recognized the depression more as a result of the withdraw, as usually over the last couple of months I have been in really good spirits. Previously, I used to be able to feel within a matter of minutes when my body was low on painkillers and I would have to leave the shopping or work or whatever I was doing at the time before I became hysterical in public. On a couple of occasions, I got caught without the tablets and it was never pretty. It all got to a point where I almost had a personal relationship with the tablets. I was going to be ok as long as they were with me.
Posted on May 22nd, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
Last Monday I donated my usual 5 vials of blood and jar of urine whenever tests are due. On Thursday I went to see Dr Brad to find out what the results were. To refresh the memories, I had bloods done several weeks back and they detected no cancer – stunned. A couple of weeks ago I had scans done and the report said ‘results in keeping with healed myeloma’. This set of results could’ve been the third lot that said no cancer.
And they were. Dr Brad hadn’t seen the results before I went in for the consult and so he had no pre-warning that they would once again be completely clean. No cancer detected anywhere. “When do you finish chemo?” he asked, expecting that I was still on chemo. “I finished a month ago”, said I with a grin.
All my results are completely normal – everything – kidney function, calcium, platelets, haemoglobin, blood counts, proteins, blood red, urine yellow – everything was completely normal for a normal healthy human. This is the first time in 3 years that I have had normal results. I feel great, I am happy, I have an intense desire to be and stay alive. This is the complete opposite to how things were only 6 weeks ago. This, indeed, is miraculous.
God has done the amazing, the impossible, the unexpected. I declare that all things that may have contributed to my healing have been wrapped up in His goodness. Medicine, prayers from the persistent, one-off prayers for healing, the power for healing in God’s Word, the encouragement and care from friends and family, the provision of people who have intervened in my life to show hope – they have all been a gift from God, nothing less.
From here, I don’t really mind what happens in some ways. I know that a miracle, or many miracles really, have taken place. Even this weekend, I have been able to come off my painkillers with relatively little shutdown physically and breakdown mentally as has been the case before.
There is much more to explain, more to understand. But for now I am happy not to worry about that, and just be thankful, plan to have a future, live in the now, and get excited about not being sick anymore.
There is no way this life could have turned around this quick without the swift workings of a loving Creator. Of this I have no doubt. The prayers requesting God somehow be glorified through all of this have been answered, and I feel there is more to come.
Posted on May 18th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
Last week. we said goodbye to Judi Jones, and celebrated her amazing life. She pressed on through many years of cancer treatment, and did so with dignity, grace, and incredible courage. Those who knew her count it a privilege, and I am one who will never forget her nor take for granted the impact that she had on my life.
Posted on May 18th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
A month or two ago I got the results back indicating there was no trace of active cancer in me. Then last week, I got the results back from an MRI I had a few weeks ago on my knees, hip and spine. The report read that all findings were “in keeping with healed myeloma”. Yesterday I had another lot of tests done and I get the results back at the end of the week.
If this third lot of results come back all clear, I feel like I will be able to rest a little more in the knowledge I am not sick anymore. After three years of getting news that has not been at all good, it is difficult to be able to rest in news that doesn’t come with a ‘but…’.
Posted on May 6th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
I was driving on the freeway today, and I could not believe how fantastic I felt. It was only just over a month ago that I was wishing my life would dissolve rapidly into oblivion. Now, the opposite is true – I don’t want life to stop as I am loving it at the moment. This is such a complete change in such a small amount of time – I am having difficulty believing how good life is at the moment.
There has still been some very difficult things to get through this week, some really sad stuff, but even in the midst of that, I feel that life is progressing rapidly in an upwards direction.
May is birthday month in our family, where there are quite a few born in the month, so lots of celebrating and thankfulness for the gift of life.
I have really been enjoying my work with the Wyemando Bequest Inc, as I project manage the production of a language and culture DVD for Indigenous kids. We will be filming the tutorials in they Nyangumarta language of the Western Desert region of Western Australia – the Pilbara. The website can be found at www.wymando.org.au
As from today, I am officially employed by Edith Cowan University as a Uni Colleague, doing prac supervision and possibly some tutoring as soon as positions come up. It has been on my mind for a while, and last night I got an email offering as much work as I want, on a very flexible timetable.
I have also been able to fit in plenty of doco filming this week. Really enjoying that. I have found a car to replace mine that was written off in the hail storm last month. The silver work has been picking up too with another retailer in Sydney taking on some stock and some good orders through. It has been great working with Dad up at the studio in York. He usually finishes all the things I start to do when I run out of time – I like this set up a lot!
My health continues to be good, I feel better than ever, and my hip is feeling better all the time thanks to intense physio and pilates. The last hurdle I have is to get through my painkiller dependency. This is proving to be extremely difficult, and I really need to come off them soon – they have been flowing through my veins now for nearly six months solid, and I am sure they can’t be good for you over long periods of time.
So I am so thankful for where I am, how I am, and what I am. The space between how I feel now, and how I felt a month ago is like the Grand Canyon. If there is a happy ending to this journey, I feel it is just about to begin, and I feel it will go for a long time yet.
Posted on April 20th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.
I can’t believe the freedom that I am experiencing at the moment. It is quite foreign to me, and frankly I am having difficulty adjusting to it, or believing that it is happening.
It has taken a psychiatrist only a session or two to speak truth into my situation, and I have been released from incredible guilt, oppression and made my future look tangibly hopeful, not just a belief that things can get better, hopefully, maybe, one day. Possibly.
I feel that they are better now. I still deal with a deep sadness that my marriage has gone, but there has been resolution in this decision, and it has been turned into a healthy resolution.
It has been a very long time since my mind has felt this freedom, so I hope it will do wonders with my health also. I am sure that my health has taken a real beating while my heart and head have been struggling to survive.
For me, it is going to be an exciting adventure to see how long I can remain on this earth. I have found peace in a lot of things recently, and I am happy with my lot. I don’t feel like life would be unfinished from any point here on. I haven’t been able to say that or think that for a long time. I am loving the possibility that my life is about to begin again, with more freedom living to be experienced.
This has been the most significant battle of my life, even over the cancer – I can’t explain it fully, but the resolve in my head has been the miracle that has defined a real turning point in my life I feel. I just hope the body joins in the party.
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