Posted on August 8th, 2010 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Life is good right now, no doubt, but it may be more relative than absolute – and that is fine for me for this time. I am incredibly blessed to be around the people I am around, working on the jobs I work, and experiencing life with the second chance that I feel I have been given.

But whoa nelly rebuilding is tough. I have high hopes that my body may return to a state where I am not in constant pain – that is one of the main things at this time. I finished taking painkillers yesterday, and I am hoping that a nutrient course I will be starting next week will help my body recover. My hip is still the most painful part of my body. I feel it is not skeletal, which is great, but the muscle or ligament damage is significant, painful and not getting better. There are times where I am glued to the spot I stand because I can’t move from the excruciating pain. Whenever I see someone walk, run, or do anything that is involves physical mobility, I still look at them wondering ‘How can they do that without being in such pain?’. I am embarrassed about the chunk of hair missing on my head and so much damage has been done to my body through treatment it has changed my life forever it seems. I still hope that I will be healed in these ways too.

I saw a documentary the other night on a state penitentiary in Georgia, USA. It followed one man’s story how, after 20 years of being on death row, he received a reprieve less than 3 hours before his execution. As he was told the news, his legs collapsed, and he could not walk – he was an emotional mess, as you would be. He was then allowed to live in the General Population section of the prison. He had not been around so many people in 20 years. The realization hit him as he took his place in his new cell block that although he was saved from execution, he was still facing a future of incarceration without parole. The last comment of the doco was how thankful he had been given a second chance of life, but given that his existence was still incredibly difficult, part of him wished it had ended at the execution room.

I grieve for what I have lost, but at the same time I am grateful for what I have been left with. Within me, there remains much deep grief that I can’t bear to talk about, and it disturbs me to think about. My goals for the future include the necessary decision to rebuild, move on, recover and not let the difficult realities of my situation overcome the value of what we have in this life.

One of my ribs is on my mind. It has felt fractured for about three weeks now, and has not been getting better. I can’t remember knocking it, and it feels pathological, so whenever these things happen it sends my mind into a spin – try as I might to suppress it. I am not ready for another battle – really not ready.


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