Back on the horse

Posted on March 7th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

Tonight I feel back on a familiar road. Ash and I went to a healing service where a minister called Bill Johnson was speaking. There were lots of people getting prayed for, lots of healings. I am not sure if I am one of them yet, but I did come away feeling very encouraged and energised. It makes for quite a change, as the last few days have been quite different.

Yesterday I hardly moved from the couch, and today was not much different other than I forced myself to join Ash at the beach, just to get out of the house. My body was pretty sore again, all over, and once I had lay down in the sand, I was there to stay for a time. I managed to get one dip in before heading home which made me feel a great deal better – something about the ocean that soothes like nothing else.

We will head back to the next healing service tomorrow. Will probably write more detail then when not so tired.



Posted on March 7th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

It has been so long without any consistency.

If I had of stayed in one town, one house, one job, one street, one everything – then things may feel like they have some consistency.

The older I get, the less I feel like I am every going to feel a sense of belonging anywhere.

I have no place I feel at home in. The place I feel I can feel most relaxed is in a hospital bed of some kind. A private room, with my own bathroom, tv, meals brought to me – seems the closest I have felt to feeling a sense of consistency. Everywhere else I seem displaced.

The old car I drive makes me feel at home. The smell of 1970′s vehicle upholstery, burning oil and the familiar clunking rhythm of environmentally displacing engines remind me of the cars I remember from when I was 4 or 5. But you can’t live in these cars, tempted as I might be to.

I yearn to be somewhere where I can really rest. There is no place where that happens anymore, and I don’t expect it to return. There is no place I feel like I feel is mine. Maybe it is because I have lived in way too many different places in the last two years. Maybe it has been because my mind has not been able to settle for so long.

Whatever it is, I feel displaced. I feel more temporary. I feel like the only things that bring me connection to security are those which were present when I was a young kid – ironically, during overwhelming insecurity.

If the car had a private bathroom maybe…

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