Posted on March 7th, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

It has been so long without any consistency.

If I had of stayed in one town, one house, one job, one street, one everything – then things may feel like they have some consistency.

The older I get, the less I feel like I am every going to feel a sense of belonging anywhere.

I have no place I feel at home in. The place I feel I can feel most relaxed is in a hospital bed of some kind. A private room, with my own bathroom, tv, meals brought to me – seems the closest I have felt to feeling a sense of consistency. Everywhere else I seem displaced.

The old car I drive makes me feel at home. The smell of 1970′s vehicle upholstery, burning oil and the familiar clunking rhythm of environmentally displacing engines remind me of the cars I remember from when I was 4 or 5. But you can’t live in these cars, tempted as I might be to.

I yearn to be somewhere where I can really rest. There is no place where that happens anymore, and I don’t expect it to return. There is no place I feel like I feel is mine. Maybe it is because I have lived in way too many different places in the last two years. Maybe it has been because my mind has not been able to settle for so long.

Whatever it is, I feel displaced. I feel more temporary. I feel like the only things that bring me connection to security are those which were present when I was a young kid – ironically, during overwhelming insecurity.

If the car had a private bathroom maybe…

1 comment.


Comment on March 7th, 2011.

the words of a sojourner!

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