What the heal?

Posted on June 1st, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

This is really difficult.

I feel like I should be documenting a more realistic account of what is going on, and I am sure many people could relate to situations that they have been through that have been a challenge. For me, again the biggest battle rages in my mind and spirit – distracted only for a time by what is going on in my body.

What I have shared recently is all true. There is still an excitement that is floating around that is fuelled by the unknown and the possibility I will experience complete healing. I still haven’t broken down yet in uncontrollable ugly-face snotty weeping. I get through most conversations without so much as a glassy-eyed, quivering-lip kind of look – easily covered for with sunglasses and the fact that it is cold outside. I have become quite matter-of-fact about what is happening at the moment. I think I may have grown up. About time.

I was explaining today to a friend that it would seem that my body and spirit are heading in two totally different directions. My spirit pursues life, responds to joy, encourages my mind to make decisions for living and has hope. My body has set a different course. It has its mind made up, and all too often it sways my own mind to join it in its thinking. It is such a despicable conflict.

For every bit of positivity I have presented, there has been a fair share of ‘it will be all over in a few months anyway’ , ‘God, are you actually going to do anything?’ , ‘I may as well check myself into the hospital soon’ , ‘better start saying goodbyes’, ‘better record those tunes that have been in my head for 15 years’ , ‘who shall I leave my fake Stevie Ray Vaughan guitar to?’. Even being completely positive and full of hope, again I find I must make practical decisions to prepare for the worst.

I feel I have let go of my striving to achieve stuff before a certain time. This has come more so recently as I have not had the physical capacity to get most things done. This last week has been as much of a relief as it has been disappointing as I have given my workplaces notice I will not be available for next semester. This is a big thing as my capacity to work has been my way of going against my body’s decision to self-destruct.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life with regret about what I didn’t get done. I think a right response is to feel a hate for what sin consumes in its quest to kill, steal and destroy. I hate what it has stolen from me now, and I hate what it threatens me with for the future. I hate what it does to others. I hate it passionately, and feel it is right to go against it at every opportunity. But boy oh boy it is so difficult.

It is difficult to see what God is thinking in all of this. I believe He wants to heal me, and has paid a bloody price for my healing – that has already been done. So I am left wondering why it hasn’t happened yet, or if that healing will happen to me. Sometimes people do get healed, sometimes they don’t. I don’t know why. I feel I have enough faith, but maybe I just think I do.

I have spent most of my life thinking I have to be very careful because if I disappointed God, He would withdraw from me and it would be difficult to recover. It is hard not to go back to that thinking. Sometimes I feel that God is not listening to me because of whatever sin in my life, so I rack my brains trying to dig up sin that may have not been dealt with properly. It is difficult to go through this process without thinking that God is primarily an emotionally-challenged judge.

I am desperately filling my mind up with truth about who God is, just in case that helps change my situation. It can’t hurt! I have spent 4 years searching for reasons why I haven’t been healed. The amount of self-condemnation that accompanies this thinking has been overwhelming, not to mention the condemnation that has been donated. I think this thinking has been one of the most harmful. There must be a better way.

Well, I don’t want to be someone who dies early and leaves people confused about what went wrong. I mean, I still don’t know why things haven’t got better. I know many have their theories, and unfortunately the ones I am most familiar with involve God being disappointed with me for a myriad of reasons, so he holds back his gift of healing. So many people came to Jesus in the Bible, asking to be healed. Some begged. Some didn’t even ask. Jesus healed them all. I can’t find any occasion when he is just about to heal someone when he stops, points out to them that the religious-law-police had seen them texting on their phone whilst driving (lets ramp it up and assume it was on the Sabbath, on the way to watch Harry Potter, listening to Meatloaf), so he withdraws his decision to heal them. Maybe I just haven’t read that chapter, or maybe there were an unusual number of sinless sick Christian people needing miracles back in the old days. Either that or he was conditionally compassionate.

My hope rests on what God can do between now, and later, and that would be immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within me.


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