What the heal?

Posted on June 1st, 2011 by Cam.
Categories: Let's talk.

This is really difficult.

I feel like I should be documenting a more realistic account of what is going on, and I am sure many people could relate to situations that they have been through that have been a challenge. For me, again the biggest battle rages in my mind and spirit – distracted only for a time by what is going on in my body.

What I have shared recently is all true. There is still an excitement that is floating around that is fuelled by the unknown and the possibility I will experience complete healing. I still haven’t broken down yet in uncontrollable ugly-face snotty weeping. I get through most conversations without so much as a glassy-eyed, quivering-lip kind of look – easily covered for with sunglasses and the fact that it is cold outside. I have become quite matter-of-fact about what is happening at the moment. I think I may have grown up. About time.

I was explaining today to a friend that it would seem that my body and spirit are heading in two totally different directions. My spirit pursues life, responds to joy, encourages my mind to make decisions for living and has hope. My body has set a different course. It has its mind made up, and all too often it sways my own mind to join it in its thinking. It is such a despicable conflict.

For every bit of positivity I have presented, there has been a fair share of ‘it will be all over in a few months anyway’ , ‘God, are you actually going to do anything?’ , ‘I may as well check myself into the hospital soon’ , ‘better start saying goodbyes’, ‘better record those tunes that have been in my head for 15 years’ , ‘who shall I leave my fake Stevie Ray Vaughan guitar to?’. Even being completely positive and full of hope, again I find I must make practical decisions to prepare for the worst.

I feel I have let go of my striving to achieve stuff before a certain time. This has come more so recently as I have not had the physical capacity to get most things done. This last week has been as much of a relief as it has been disappointing as I have given my workplaces notice I will not be available for next semester. This is a big thing as my capacity to work has been my way of going against my body’s decision to self-destruct.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life with regret about what I didn’t get done. I think a right response is to feel a hate for what sin consumes in its quest to kill, steal and destroy. I hate what it has stolen from me now, and I hate what it threatens me with for the future. I hate what it does to others. I hate it passionately, and feel it is right to go against it at every opportunity. But boy oh boy it is so difficult.

It is difficult to see what God is thinking in all of this. I believe He wants to heal me, and has paid a bloody price for my healing – that has already been done. So I am left wondering why it hasn’t happened yet, or if that healing will happen to me. Sometimes people do get healed, sometimes they don’t. I don’t know why. I feel I have enough faith, but maybe I just think I do.

I have spent most of my life thinking I have to be very careful because if I disappointed God, He would withdraw from me and it would be difficult to recover. It is hard not to go back to that thinking. Sometimes I feel that God is not listening to me because of whatever sin in my life, so I rack my brains trying to dig up sin that may have not been dealt with properly. It is difficult to go through this process without thinking that God is primarily an emotionally-challenged judge.

I am desperately filling my mind up with truth about who God is, just in case that helps change my situation. It can’t hurt! I have spent 4 years searching for reasons why I haven’t been healed. The amount of self-condemnation that accompanies this thinking has been overwhelming, not to mention the condemnation that has been donated. I think this thinking has been one of the most harmful. There must be a better way.

Well, I don’t want to be someone who dies early and leaves people confused about what went wrong. I mean, I still don’t know why things haven’t got better. I know many have their theories, and unfortunately the ones I am most familiar with involve God being disappointed with me for a myriad of reasons, so he holds back his gift of healing. So many people came to Jesus in the Bible, asking to be healed. Some begged. Some didn’t even ask. Jesus healed them all. I can’t find any occasion when he is just about to heal someone when he stops, points out to them that the religious-law-police had seen them texting on their phone whilst driving (lets ramp it up and assume it was on the Sabbath, on the way to watch Harry Potter, listening to Meatloaf), so he withdraws his decision to heal them. Maybe I just haven’t read that chapter, or maybe there were an unusual number of sinless sick Christian people needing miracles back in the old days. Either that or he was conditionally compassionate.

My hope rests on what God can do between now, and later, and that would be immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within me.



Comment on June 2nd, 2011.

Dear Cam,

I am delighted to hear from you again, and have been irregularly checking things on The Walk Beside. Waiting for the book to be published, seriously. I rejoice for you having the love and support of Ash and am thrilled about your upcoming marriage. Paining for your struggles and delighting in your joys, sharing a part of life. I have heard that sharing joy doubles it and sharing grief halves it. Not sure it’s a confirmed theory, and you’d know if it relieves your pain to describe it for us…

To have friends one must be a friend. Friends share with each other and spend time getting to know the other. Bingo, I am your friend, and certainly sister believer.

I’ve thought about the subject of life, faith and miracles, because of my own experiences, yours, and others. I applaud your attitude, faith and endurance.

I believe that from the creation of human life in the womb to the death of that body, be it 1day or 100 years, that it is not so much about the length of life as much as the beginning of our eternal existence. Eternity begins when God uses man and woman to create a new life and will not end at death. Thankfully after death we are without our frail mortal shell, but completely whole and still fully ourself. The body may die but the person goes on.

I believe in divine intervention and we are taught to pray for each other and ask for healing. I know there are no 200 year old Christians, so we are meant to live for a time on this earth before dying, which is the release of the temporary body as the who-we-are continues beyond time/space/matter.

I believe in miracles: In miracles of immediate, total, creative restoration; In miracles of slow healing and recovery; In miracles of timing and personnel that we see each day; In miracles wrought by unbelievers as they carry out their jobs, unaware they are being guided. I also believe in seeking the best medical and technological assistance available for our imperfect bodies.

The faith to believe for a miracle is not a formula for success, as many who have suffered unbelief were still healed, even unrepentant and ungrateful unbelievers. Yet God has mercy on both the faithful and ignorant. It was a revelation and a relief to me to discover that my prayers were not more answered if I prayed harder, longer, more frequently or with fasting, though they are all good. We are instructed to pray for healing and these good ways are given to us.

Our prayers are acceptable to Him whether strongly presented or barely whispered. I just know that it is not failure to pray and not receive a miracle. He can heal even in our weakness and lack of faith, and yet sometime we die despite the undaunted, faithful battle. Jesus prayer to let the ‘cup of suffering’ pass in Matthew 26:39 was not answered in miraculous deliverance but his prayer in John 17 was answered indeed, and still echoes. God is truly sovereign and just.

I don’t believe that God is the cause of illness/disease and that He destroys our lives. Consider Job, a righteous man whom God loved. No doubt where the cause of his trouble was from, and yet God was still sovereign and in control. Job thought his suffering came from God but the narrative is clear it was the enemy who oppressed him. Regardless, he maintained his faith. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him: but I will maintain mine own ways before Him” (Job 13:11-15).

It is not likely that all suffering/illness is a spiritual attack, but also the consequence of living in a fallen, failing world. Much harm has come from environmental and genetic deterioration. It’s just not as good a place to live as it was originally and we are poor copies (DNA) of the original design. So much for evolution, I am a fan of the opposite theory.

When asked who was responsible for a man’s blindness, Jesus answered, “Neither did this man sin, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” And the man was told what to do to be healed.

I don’t think our bodies will ever see the fullness of life we are designed for, on this side of death. We can actually thank God for his severe mercy on Adam and Eve which resulted in the eventual death of their human bodies and spirit release, because eternity is a long time to be in a state of separation from God, which was brought about by sin. Don’t worry, there are angelic guards protecting the way to the tree of life, not from us (as if we could find Eden and overpower the angels) but for us, keeping it safely from the one who first abused it.

What I want shared at my funeral, tomorrow or in 50 years, is something like what 7 year old Anna said in Mr God, This Is Anna, by Fynn. “When I die, I shall do it myself, no one shall do it for me.” And that sentiment was echoed by Steve Saint in the recent movie, The End of the Spear, “No one took my father’s life. He gave it”. That is how I hope I will feel, regardless of the timing or manner of my death. Shortly before his death, missionary A Judson said: “I am not tired of my work, neither am I tired of the world; yet, when Christ calls me home, I shall go with gladness…” David Livingstone wrote, “I am immortal till my work is accomplished.”

There is a much smaller commentary along these lines on my blog, which was used frequently a while ago, not so much lately. http://canberracollins.blogspot.com/2007/05/putting-things-off.html

As a nurse/midwife I know in the natural what the medical world expect your progress to be. Thank God for His supernatural intervention, miraculous restoration and recovery, which I pray is yours.

Love and blessings abundant.


Comment on June 2nd, 2011.

What’s wrong with Meatloaf?

I have been walking beside fairly quietly for a few weeks, but been there none-the-less.

With this post, I feel like I can encourage you to believe that yes – you do have enough faith. If your healing came from more faith, then it would be about you, not God, your work, not Salvation.

God loves you to bits, and, despite still having a diseased body, I know that you see God’s love constantly, through those around you, the things you can do, the pursuit of Him.

I’m finding myself being aware that there was no moratorium on sickness when Jesus walked the earth, although it was cast out of some. I guess that goes to show that there is no formula.

Regardless of all of this, I’m really thankful for your honesty at this time – you are saying what I bet others have felt, but have not had the words for. You continue to inspire, stretch and give cause for thought.

I wish I had an answer that would actually make a difference. I don’t, therefore, I ramble.



Comment on June 2nd, 2011.

My Friend… my understanding of theology is pretty basic but I don’t think God is withholding his gift of healing because of something you did or didn’t do. I don’t think it’s about your faith levels either… I recall something about having faith the size of a mustard seed!
Cam, so many questions remain unanswered for you and those of us that walk beside you and one glorious day we WILL know the answers.
We’ll continue to ask God for his grace, mercy and healing power to flood you.
Love xxx


Comment on June 3rd, 2011.

Cam. I have rejoiced, laughed and cried with you for many months; years even – as you have expounded on your expriences in a gritty, courages and articulate manner , that makes you such an interesting individual. You don’t really know me (I did meet you once and gave you a hug) so I am not sure if I have the right to ask you a question. But here goes anyway. I once fed myself the lie that God didn’t care and wasn’t working for us in our circumstances. Everytime life was taken to another level of difficulty and pain, my lie was re-enforced. After 20 years of faith for healing, my daughter and I were taken through four and a half years of hell and our faith and confession of God’s abandonment grew. We knew Jesus was still our Saviour – held to this confession strongly and knew that this life wasn’t the ‘be all and end all’ of our destiny. But I believed the lie…..”God doesn’t care.” It’s easy to see the error of my ways now because my emotions and physical situation are a lot more stable…..but back then..!! Do I detect a little of the same thinking while you are going through such an onslaught of mammoth proportions to every part of your being? It’s pretty natural really to experience negativity, self annhialation and doubt, and you are honest enough to admit to it – I can tell you – you are not alone. I still don’t have any answers Cam. When life is one gruelling step after another is that the time to try to find answers? Or is it the time to find comfort, strength and love – from God and from those He has placed around us. God doesn’t see you as a sinner, He sees you as His child made in the likeness of His Son. Enough with the self examination – away with the lies! You have a well of peace dwelling in you, (the Holy Spirit) draw from that well.
With love and blessings.


Comment on June 5th, 2011.

Heya Marlene – so good to hear your thoughts, thanks for sharing them. And yes, there have been many times when I thought God was not involved in my circumstance. I have had a few experiences along the way though that have shown his presence in what is going on, and I believe He will continue to do so. The one I battle with the most is wondering if God has turned his face from me because of something I haven’t dealt with. I rack my brain day and night, searching for anything that may be getting in the way. I ask for revelation. Still, things are quiet. So I don’t know at this stage. I am still waiting for answers on many things. I guess we all are! :)


Comment on June 5th, 2011.

Thanks Manda and Toddy for your never-ending support and encouragement. What a privilege it is to have your friendship.
muchos lovos to you manda and a very manly handshake to you toddy :)

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